Still haven’t found
Bono from U2 is the voice of my cars GPS. It sucks. The streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking… Read More »Still haven’t found
thefun
Still in paradise
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would all still be in Paradise, as they would have eaten the fucking snake. ???
Trying
Boy asks mum, “Is it bad to have a penis?” She says “No, why?” “Because, dad is upstairs, trying to pull his off.” ???
Check
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the UPS driver knocked on our door to see if everything was alright
Problems solved
Fall in love with your problems, maybe they’ll leave you too.
Only the…
Anal Sex: The only time a man tries to convince you his dick really isn’t that big
Pour favor
My neighbour’s 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown. He still can’t say “please” though, which I think is poor for four.
Frank Einstein
Would Albert Einstein have been so successful if his father had called him Frank?
Hand made
A baby that came from a sperm bank is basically ‘hand made.’
End of arguing
I was arguing with this really busty woman and she shoved my face in her tits. I don’t remember why we were arguing..
Early
Let’s make our calendar end 8 years too early just to fuck with people. ~ Mayans
Job advertising
Join our mid-aged and unfriendly team at an awkward-winning company with more than 1200 employees worldwide gone berserk. If you are: – Looking for a… Read More »Job advertising
So much
Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first… Read More »So much
Scarry
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted. For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
Choice
Congratulations to the astronauts that left Earth today. Great choice
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life. Zero fucks were given.
Little difference
Before Coffee : I hate everybody After Coffee : I feel good about hating everybody
Scary times
Those are some scary times to call sick at work. They may put you and everybody else in quarantine
Continually
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party, that you do not attend
Much better
Life would be so much better if at the end of each day, it asked…. “Would you like to save the changes?”
No chance
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband… Read More »No chance
Conspiracy
They want us to get vaccinated so they can inject us with microchips and track us anywhere. -Sent from my iPhone
Friendly advice
A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing… Read More »Friendly advice
Clown
I quit my job at McDonald’s today… Boss was a clown
No balls
I went to a bar full of lesbians…even the pool table didn’t have any balls !
Guess the number
I called a restaurant and ask for a table for two.. he said ” wrong number ” so I said ” I’d like a table… Read More »Guess the number
Judas
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return… Read More »Judas