Time for call
There was this girl in high school that said she’d only sleep with me if the world was ending, thinking about giving her a call.
thefun
2 minutes
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before… Read More »2 minutes
Example
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of… Read More »Example
Only to stop
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly”… Read More »Only to stop
Stay safe
I read that Covid-19 hasn’t affected the Amish community, it’s probably because they don’t have TV or social media.
Where is my shoe
I drove my secretary home after she had had a little too much to drink at our office party. Although nothing had happened, I decided… Read More »Where is my shoe
The nose is bigger
Dude: Do u wanna sit on my face? Girl: Why? Is your nose bigger then your dick?
Life lesson
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way for the neighbors to pay and build a privacy fence.
Reminder
Every time I have to fold laundry I consider becoming a nudist.. Then I remember what I look like naked and I keep on folding.
12 points
G.F. :You treat our relationship like some kind of game. ? Me: this will cost you 12 points and a bonus round.
Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover…
Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings.. What the hell is leftover beer?
not my circus
Everytime you feel yourself getting pulled into other peoples drama, repeat these words: NOT MY CIRCUS~NOT MY MONKEYS!
Still haven’t found
Bono from U2 is the voice of my cars GPS. It sucks. The streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking… Read More »Still haven’t found
Still in paradise
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would all still be in Paradise, as they would have eaten the fucking snake. ???
Trying
Boy asks mum, “Is it bad to have a penis?” She says “No, why?” “Because, dad is upstairs, trying to pull his off.” ???
Check
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the UPS driver knocked on our door to see if everything was alright
Problems solved
Fall in love with your problems, maybe they’ll leave you too.
Only the…
Anal Sex: The only time a man tries to convince you his dick really isn’t that big
Pour favor
My neighbour’s 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown. He still can’t say “please” though, which I think is poor for four.
Frank Einstein
Would Albert Einstein have been so successful if his father had called him Frank?
Hand made
A baby that came from a sperm bank is basically ‘hand made.’
End of arguing
I was arguing with this really busty woman and she shoved my face in her tits. I don’t remember why we were arguing..
Early
Let’s make our calendar end 8 years too early just to fuck with people. ~ Mayans
Job advertising
Join our mid-aged and unfriendly team at an awkward-winning company with more than 1200 employees worldwide gone berserk. If you are: – Looking for a… Read More »Job advertising
So much
Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first… Read More »So much
Scarry
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted. For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
Choice
Congratulations to the astronauts that left Earth today. Great choice
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life. Zero fucks were given.
Little difference
Before Coffee : I hate everybody After Coffee : I feel good about hating everybody
Scary times
Those are some scary times to call sick at work. They may put you and everybody else in quarantine