The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.“Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

You know those movies when the guy pushes stuff off the table, thrusts a girl on it, and fucks her? I just did that, but with a pizza..

October 19

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Women drinking coffee. My three favorite things.

October 17

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On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead. Me: That’s why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

October 17

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False alarm

I’m devastated. I just had a look at my doctor’s notes and he’s written that after my accident, I’ll never be able to wank again. Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole “doctors have bad handwriting” cliche. It’s meant to say walk. What a relief!

October 16

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Friends are like boobs some are real some are fake

October 16

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Give a man a fish, you’ll feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you can sleep with his wife while he’s fishing.

October 14

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Sex is like golf, Playing every hole is the goal.

October 13

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I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

October 8

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King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, […]

October 8

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my mate asked “what’s the secret to your happy marriage?” I replied.. “Chemistry… I’m on valium and the hubby’s on Prozac”

October 7

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