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Jokes

  • Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

    I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.

  • A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day

    A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”

  • Why do dads always take pictures?

    Cause they are your paparazzi

  • After all that shit I’m surprised they are back together

    Friend: whoMe: my ass cheeksI know it’s a shit post

  • Why does Santa have such a big sack?

    Because he only comes once a year.

  • If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture

    You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year

  • “Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”

    Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

  • Since it’s New Years, I can say I haven’t showered in a year!

    Actually it’s probably been about a year and a half

  • A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

    I said “Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want”.

  • Joe’s Headaches

    Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches.One day,after years of suffering,he decides to see a headache specialist.The doctor tells Joe to strip ,inspects him all over and announces that he has found the cause of the headaches.”Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine” says the doctor “The pressure builds up and you get an excruciating headache”. Joe is appalled.”Is there anything I can do about it?”He asks.” “I’m afraid I have bad news.I have to get rid of the testicles”answers the doctor. Joe considers the pros and cons of a life without balls and sex.But then he thinks about the agony of his daily headaches and goes for the snip He comes round from the operation and leaves the hospital.Walking down the street he smiles as he realises that his headaches are gone.To celebrate,He decides to treat himself to some new clothes.He makes his way to a top tailors.Inside the tailor’s he asks to see a pair of pants.The tailor looks at Joe and says”You’ll need a 36 inch waist,33 inch inside leg.” Joe is amazed at the accuracy of the tailor and he asks for a shirt”That’ll be a 42 inch chest and a 16 inch neck.”The tailor says.Joe is once again stunned by his accuracy.Finally all that is left to buy is a pair of underpants.”36?” asks the tailor. “No sorry I’m a 34 “says”Joe”I have worn a 34 since I was 18.” This is not possible” frowns the tailor”If a man of your size wore a size 34,the underwear would press his testicles into the base of his spine causing the most horrific headaches”