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Jokes

  • A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”

    The bartender replies “Free”.The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender “Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?”The Bartender replies “Free”.The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says “Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place”.The bartender then says “Oh well, he’s upstairs in his office with my wife”.The guy looks all confused, then asks “What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?”The bartender then says “The same thing I’m doing to his business”.

  • One Finnish soldier is better

    >>One Finnish soldier is better

    in Joke of the Day
    The Soviet army is marching in Finland. They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, “one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers.”
    The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, “one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers.”
    The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, “one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers.”
    The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, “do not send more troops, it’s a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers.”
    “““““
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  • JOKESTER

    Easter is only a couple of days away, I need to hurry up and decide if I’m going to spend it in the living room, or the bedroom.

  • JOKESTER

    I’ll bet in the future y’all are going to have 2nd thoughts before saying “I hope this weekend lasts forever”.

  • JOKESTER

    Washed a load of pajamas so
    I would have clean work clothes this week.

  • Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…

    They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump.Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers.The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through.The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice.The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid?The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”

  • JOKESTER

    I don’t think anyone expected when we changed the clocks, that we’d go from Standard Time to the fucking Twilight Zone

  • Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.

    They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.

  • How about an Indian joke?

    A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts “Is there a doctor here?”

    A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: “I am. What is the problem?”

    She replies: “Do you want to meet my daughter?”

  • I’m kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

    Yeah, I gave ’em my too weak notice