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Jokes

  • A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says…

    “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.He touches his wife shoulder and asks, “Honey, please…just one more time, before I die.”She says, “Of course, dear.” and they make love for the third time.After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.He taps his wife, who rouses.”Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…”At this point, the wife sits up and screams, “Listen, I have to get up in the morning…YOU DON’T!!!”

  • Screams of passion

    in Joke of the Day
    An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion. The Italian said: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream with passion, non stop for five minutes.”
    The Frenchman said: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream with passion for fifteen minutes straight.”
    The Aussie said: That’s nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya’know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours.”
    The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked?, “Two full hours?….. Wow! that’s unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?” The Aussie replied, “I wiped my hands on the curtains.”
    “““““
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  • Guy walks into a bar

    Most bars in the world are closed right now

  • Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.

    Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, ‘Do you know what I miss most of all?’She asks, ‘What?”Sex!!’ he replies Mildred exclaims, ‘Why you old fart. You couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”I know,’ Harold says, ‘but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.’‘Well, I can oblige,’ says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.Then one night Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold’s manhood!Furious, Mildred yelled, ‘You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?’Old Harold smiled happily and replied, ‘Parkinson’s.’

  • An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion

    The Italian said: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes.” The Frenchman said: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight.” The Aussie said: That’s nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya’know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours.” The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked?, “Two full hours?….. Wow! that’s unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?” The Aussie replied, “I wiped my hands on the curtains.”

  • JOKESTER

    We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

  • This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

    He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”

  • Boy wants to start dating a girl

    >>Boy wants to start dating a girl
    Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to start dating this awesome girl!”
    Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”
    Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter.”
    Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”
    The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
    Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again and this girl I’m dating is even hotter!”
    Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”
    Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
    Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister.”
    This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
    Son: “Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can’t be dating any of them because dad is their father!”
    The mother hugs him affectionately and says, “You can date whoever you want. He isn’t your father!”
    “““““
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  • The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.“Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

  • Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!”

    Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter.”Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!”Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister.”This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.Son: “Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”The mother hugs him affectionately and says, “You can date whoever you want. He isn’t your father!”