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Jokes

  • JOKESTER

    l got bored staying in with this lockdown, so for something to do l measured my dick…. now l’m bored & depressed.

  • Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.

    Einstein says,”Let’s play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500″. The man agrees and the game proceeds.Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”The man doesn’t say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?”Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour, he gives the man $500.An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”.The man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.

  • Three guys got into a car crash and all died.

    They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said “Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don’t step on a duck.” The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, “Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity.” The other two see this and do their best to avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, “Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity.” Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn’t step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, “Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity.” The guy happily says, “Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!” And the woman says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”

  • JOKESTER

    Dad: One day you’ll grow up to be a man.
    Son: I’m 23.
    Dad: Yes, but you use Tik Tok.

  • After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

    When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?””Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.”

  • Wal- Matt

    A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.She asked, ‘What size condoms?’The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, ‘One box of large condoms, Register 5.’The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, ‘One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.’A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said…’Cleanup, Register 5’

  • I heard about a double entendre contest on the radio

    A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, “I’ll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you’re doing.” At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well. Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. “What went wrong?” The blonde said, “At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off.”

  • A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”

    Well, it was an immediate hit.They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.Their first night there, she undressed as he did.There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”She replied “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

  • Merkel, Trump, and Putin are at a military inspection

    They are standing at a dock. Trump points at an American submarine: “Our American submarines are so well-made, they can last half a year under water without having to resurface a single time in-between!”. Putin shows himself unimpressed and points at a Russian submarine: “That’s nothing, our Russian submarines can stay under water for a whole year, without resurfacing a single time!”. They turn to Merkel, who did not bring a submarine that day “What about you, Angela?”.Suddenly, the water starts to bubble and slowly an ancient-looking submarine emerges from below the surface. The hatch opens, and a really old man with a long white beard comes out wearing a ragged-looking uniform, raises his right hand and shouts: “HEIL HITLER, WE’VE RUN OUT OF ZE DIESEL!”

  • Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

    The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.”See that little kid over there? That’s where.”The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with even more blood than the first one. They ask him where he got it from.”See that man over there? That’s the guy I got it from.”The third one also transforms himself into a bat. It doesn’t take him too long to come back. His entire body is covered in blood. The other two are amazed and ask him where he got it from.”See that wall over there?”They nod.”Well, I didn’t.”