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Jokes

  • JOKESTER

    “Mommy, am I adopted?”
    “Not yet Honey. I only placed the ad yesterday”.

  • JOKESTER

    Half of relationships end because of bad sex .Mine however ended because of good sex… With another Woman.

  • Drinks for everyone

    A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.
    “Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man yells as he approaches.
    The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
    The next night, the bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
    “Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man happily announces as he approaches.
    The bartender thinks, “This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard last night.”
    He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me again, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.
    Third night in a row, the bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return.
    “Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!” The man calls out as he approaches.
    The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically, “What, no drink for ME tonight?”
    The drunk looks at him and says, “Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink.”
    “““““
    Loco Domains has .site Domains names for only $2.99, .online for only $4.99, .com only $8.99.
    VN:F [1.9.7_1111]

  • Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

    “You’ve got a rare disease and you’ve only got 6 months to live,” the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he’s going to get a second opinion.He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there’s anything he should do.The doctor pauses a moment and says, “Can I give you some non- medical advice?””Sure, anything, Doc. I’m desperate! “”Are you religious? the doctor asks.”Not at all,” says the patient.”Well,” says the doctor, “I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can.”The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. “Will that extend my life?!””No,” says the doctor, “But it’ll be the longest fucking 6 months you’ve ever had.”

  • JOKESTER

    The NFL is considering a season without fans in the stadiums…

    They plan on reaching out to the Cincinnati Bengals for advice.

  • JOKESTER

    I must admit, I really miss being at work and bitching about not wanting to be at work.

  • Guy gets bad news

    Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. “You’ve got a rare disease and you’ve only got 6 months to live,” the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he’s going to get a second opinion.
    He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there’s anything he should do.
    The doctor pauses a moment and says, “Can I give you some non- medical advice?”
    “Sure, anything, Doc. I’m desperate! ”
    “Are you religious? the doctor asks.
    “Not at all,” says the patient.
    “Well,” says the doctor, “I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can.”
    The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. “Will that extend my life?!”
    “No,” says the doctor, “But it’ll be the longest fucking 6 months you’ve ever had.”
    “““““
    Loco Domains has .site Domains names for only $2.99, .online for only $4.99, .com only $8.99.
    VN:F [1.9.7_1111]

  • I’m a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

    There was a story being told around in the early 2000s, when there was a lot of hysteria about harmful radiation from cellphones.Apparently, some people got agitated over a new cellular base station tower built on top of their apartment building. They petitioned the municipality, brought documents from hospitals, saying: “This thing is making us sick! We have headaches, skin diseases and, one guy even got cancer!”. At some point they came with a protest to the cell company office, and the only guy around was the on-call engineer. So they turned to him yelling about cancer and headaches and the rest, and he scratched his belly and said “Awful, truly awful. Imagine what will happen when we turn it on”.

  • Doctor and Engineer in chocolate store

    >>Doctor and Engineer in chocolate store

    in Joke of the Day
    Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store. While they were busy looking around,doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.
    As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that”
    Engineer replied: “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing”
    So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy: “Do you wanna see magic..?”
    The Shop boy replied: “Yes..!!!”
    Engineer said: “Give me one chocolate bar!”
    The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it… He asked for the second, and he ate that as well.. He asked for the third, and finished that one too…
    The shop boy asked: “But where’s the magic..?”
    Engineer replied: “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them..!!!”
    “““““
    Loco Domains has .site Domains names for only $2.99, .online for only $4.99, .com only $8.99.
    VN:F [1.9.7_1111]

  • JOKESTER

    A man’s making love to his wife. He asks her
    “Can you moan to get me more excited?”
    She says “the taps dripping, you ain’t paid the bills…
    and your breath stinks”