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Jokes

  • JOKESTER

    Since I’ve been in self-isolation, I have been thinking a lot about the F word.

    Fauci, face mask, flu, fever, furlough, fries…

  • JOKESTER

    The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

  • JOKESTER

    If you can’t look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you’re probably still an idiot.

  • JOKESTER

    my husband pissed me off today, so I poured some water on the floor in front of the washing machine…..2 hours he’s been trying to fix it ??

  • JOKESTER

    When a sketchy guy wearing a mask and gloves rings your doorbell at night:

    2019: OH MY GOD CALL THE COPS!!!

    2020: Yay! Dinner’s here, let’s eat!

  • JOKESTER

    The prostitute said we could do it as long as we both wore surgical masks and persepex visors….

    Suits me…..
    They normally charge extra when I suggest that.

  • Yoda and Luke Star Wars Joke

    >>Yoda and Luke Star Wars Joke
    Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.
    He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
    He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
    When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
    “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
    Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
    “That’s ok Master.” Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
    So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
    He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
    “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
    Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
    “““““
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  • 85-year-old physical exam

    >>85-year-old physical exam
    An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow.”The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. ‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
    “We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
    The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”
    The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

  • JOKESTER

    What’s the opposite of a stand up comedy?

    A sitcom.

    ???

  • JOKESTER

    Break up’s are the hardest in China……

    You see her face everywhere.

    ??????