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Jokes

  • *Drives into drive-thru* May I take your order?

    *Drives into drive-thru*
    May I take your order?
    No.
    *Drives away.*

  • stupid

    I was painting my room with my brother when I realised.
    he’s not a very good brush.

  • huge…

    Q. Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?
    A. Huge tits.

  • every picture

    I don’t get why people say, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is when you were younger.

  • someday I will…

    I propose we add a day to the week and call it “someday”. Just imagine all the stuff that would get done on that day.

  • James: My name is Bond.

    James: My name is Bond. James bond.

    Dumbledore: My name is Dumbledore. Brian dumbledore. Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.

  • eating my popcorn

    A farmer and a pet rooster went everywhere together. One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket window the clerk said, “I’m sorry but you can’t take animals into the theater.” The man looked sad and said “But this is my pet rooster, Clucky. He goes wherever I go. “Oh, I understand.? but if that is the case “you should not come in either.” The farmer sighed and said, “Well this time I will leave him in the truck!? So the farmer went around the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants. He then went back, got his ticket, went into the theater, and sat down next to two old ladies. About halfway through the movie Clucky started struggling so the farmer unzipped his pants to let him stick his head out. The first old lady saw this and turned to her friend and whispered, “Patsy, you?re not going to believe this but the man next to me has just unzipped his pants and let his thing out.” Patsy turned to her friend and said, “Well just ignore him. Besides, at our age, we’ve seen plenty.” “Well normally I would agree with you, but this one eating my popcorn!”

  • not on fb

    I don’t always tell my mother how much I love her.
    but when I do, it’s not on facebook!!

  • welcome to the jungle

    I was getting ready to have sex with my girlfriend hazardous and she decided to put on some music I was confused on why the song she picked was welcome to the jungle by Guns N Roses
    until she opens her legs then I understood #

  • autocorect

    My phone autocorrected “FUCK YOU, FUCKFACE!” to “Yeah, I can get those reports to you by 9am”