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Jokes

  • institution

    Someone once said to me, “You’re insane! You should be in an institution!”
    I said to them, “I’m married”
    You know what they say, marriage is an institution..

  • Michelle

    Got up extra early to shave my legs because I’m gonna order pizza now.
    I watch a lot of porn.

  • My daughter asked me why I haven’t been reading my texts…..

    My daughter asked me why I haven’t been reading my texts…..
    I figured if they were important, the NSA would tell me!!

  • cheapest

    I wish I didn’t buy the cheapest GPS they had.
    It’s just a woman’s voice, telling me to pull over and ask for directions.

  • no excuse

    Me: is there a problem officer?
    Cop: I noticed the vehicle swerving a lot.
    Me: I had 8 beers officer.
    Cop: that’s no excuse to let your wife drive.

  • I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first…

    I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people that send me a dollar.

  • more beer

    At the bar, Bizi orders 10 beers. An hour later, he orders 10 more.
    What does he have?
    …A wife and 4 fucking kids…

  • lower

    Women may not hit harder, but they do hit lower.

  • behind

    Behind every great woman is a man who loves doggy style.

  • finally

    I can’t be sure if my vegetarian neighbors are having sex or finally decided to eat bacon…