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unexpected guests
“This is the police open up!”
“NO!”
“Why not?”
“It’s really messy in here and I wasn’t expecting guests.”
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bad example
My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved with drugs…
A Porsche and his own house by the age of 20…
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I walked into an explosive shop the other day and wanted to buy…
I walked into an explosive shop the other day and wanted to buy a grenade with my debit card.
It all went horribly wrong when the cashier asked for my pin.
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from the second
I knew my psychic was full of shit from the second she accepted my check.
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scheme
I went to great effort to kill my wife recently, with a completely untraceable poison obtained from a plant that grows for just two weeks on the eastern side of a Peruvian mountain.Read More »scheme
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present
Wife:”Don’t open that wardrobe! your birthday present is in there!”
Me:*opening the door*”Too late…this is the stupidest present ever!”Me: “Why the fuck would I want a naked milkman?”
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master
My wife cames home to find me watching the football game….
Wife: “you turn that game off and go and do the dishes!!
Me: *throwing down the remote control* “you listen to me, Im the head of household, I make the decision around here… Im going to do the laundry 1st then iron and finally the dishes!!!”
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weird
As my teenage neighbour put her jumper back on, I looked at her and said, “Please don’t tell anyone about this, they’d think I’m a fucking weirdo”
Read More »weird
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no way
A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance.
He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents.
Read More »no way
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translation
I’m pretty sure Jägermeister translates to “I didn’t want to be productive tomorrow anyway”.
Jokes
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