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surprise lunch
Put in an official complaint at work the other day after finding someone had shit in my lunchbox, and they immediately launched an investigation.
Turned out to be my wife.
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Facebook
He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when your awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good… Sounds like Santas got Facebook
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Girl: ok, you hang up. boy: no,you hang up girl: oh LOL, you…
girl: ok, you hang up.
boy: no,you hang up
girl: oh LOL, you hang up.
President Obama:
” Aww both of you hang up.
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compare
Whenever somebody says that something is “better than sex”, I always think “better than sex with you maybe”.
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You can drown in 2 inches of water.
You can drown in 2 inches of water. I’m not stating facts, but I’m making suggestions.
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not enough
Excuse me waiter, I’d like to return my food. It only received 10 likes on Instagram.
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search history
When I die I want my internet search history to be read out at my funeral.
That way all my friends and family will go from being depressed too disgusted.
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no chance
Teacher: “don’t get smart with me.”
Student: “with you teaching there is no chance of that.”
Jokes
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