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more now
If I had a nickel for all the times I’m confused, I would be like, “Why do I have these nickels? What is going on? Why do I have more now?
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healthy
They say that eating Subway is healthy, so I always eat some after I leave McDonald’s.
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doesn’t help
Apparently studying 3D geometry with 3D glasses on doesn’t help.
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different
My wife said, “Honey, let’s do something different tonight.”
“What did you have in mind?” I asked.
“I want you to imagine I’m a slutty sexy eighteen-year-old girl who you’ve never met before, and you’re fucking me while your wife’s away,” she said. “I thought you said something different?” I replied.
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I wish Facebook would notify me when people delete me.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people delete me. That way I can ”like” it.
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yesterday
Friend:”You look pretty today!”
Me: “Umm..was I ugly yesterday?”
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holding
Little Johnny is out walking with his dad when they see two dogs shagging on the other side of the road. “What are they doing, Dad?” asks Johnny. “Well, the front dog is tired and the other is pushing him all the way home so he can lie down in his basket.” Little Johnny thinks, then says, “Good thing Mum was holding onto the kitchen table yesterday, otherwise the postman would’ve pushed her all the way to the Post Office.”
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doesn’t work
I don’t understand some politicians… “Government doesn’t work. Elect us and we will prove it. “
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Last day
I have got to stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me…
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losing
I remember my Dad telling me, “Son. Only ever gamble what you don’t mind losing.”
It was the last thing he said to me before handing me over to my new “Dad”.