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Jokes

  • Every time I go into my bosses office she tells me “take a…

    Every time I go into my bosses office she tells me “take a seat.” I have 14 now

  • change

    My ex reminds me off pink floyd… He became less ‘how I wish you were here’ since he started dating ‘the dark side of the moon’

  • password

    * At A Restaurant*
    Waiter; What Would You Like?
    Me: The WiFi Password……

  • taste test

    Of course I’m a medical professional, and what do you mean your previous gynecologist never performed a “taste test” ?

  • mistake

    My mate told me that his girlfriend talks in her sleep.

    “I know” probably wasn’t the best answer.

  • Dinner table etiquette help needed: I forget, on which side of…

    Dinner table etiquette help needed:
    I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?

  • fluent

    I’m drunk so much tequila last night I woke up speaking Spanish this morning

  • how often

    Doctor: Do you smoke?
    Me: Only when I drink
    Doctor: How often do you drink?
    Me: Yeah, I smoke

  • anniversary

    Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head, and called me a ‘fucking cock’.

    Every year she has to go and ruin our wedding anniversary.

  • scene

    I’ve been having an affair with a film director’s wife.
    Yesterday he caught us in bed together. He was furious.
    I said to him, “Look, mate, don’t make a scene.”