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Jokes

  • different

    My wife said, “Honey, let’s do something different tonight.”

    “What did you have in mind?” I asked.
    “I want you to imagine I’m a slutty sexy eighteen-year-old girl who you’ve never met before, and you’re fucking me while your wife’s away,” she said. “I thought you said something different?” I replied.

  • I wish Facebook would notify me when people delete me.

    I wish Facebook would notify me when people delete me. That way I can ”like” it.

  • yesterday

    Friend:”You look pretty today!”
    Me: “Umm..was I ugly yesterday?”

  • holding

    Little Johnny is out walking with his dad when they see two dogs shagging on the other side of the road. “What are they doing, Dad?” asks Johnny. “Well, the front dog is tired and the other is pushing him all the way home so he can lie down in his basket.” Little Johnny thinks, then says, “Good thing Mum was holding onto the kitchen table yesterday, otherwise the postman would’ve pushed her all the way to the Post Office.”

  • doesn’t work

    I don’t understand some politicians… “Government doesn’t work. Elect us and we will prove it. “

  • Last day

    I have got to stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me…

  • losing

    I remember my Dad telling me, “Son. Only ever gamble what you don’t mind losing.”

    It was the last thing he said to me before handing me over to my new “Dad”.

  • nice name

    I always wanted to name my first daughter after my first love…
    but my wife thinks that “nutella” is not the right name for her!!

  • what was the question

    Alcohol isn’t the answer. It just makes you forget the question.

  • snuck

    Whoever snuck the s in fast food is a clever bastards.