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Jokes

  • settle

    With all the housework that I’ve done today, my boyfriend should give me a gold medal…

    But I’ll settle for a pearl necklace.

  • This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

    This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

  • dirty

    Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

    Dirty Bastards.

  • complete dick

    At the end of the year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
    While checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said “I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the drippings?”Read More »complete dick

  • politely

    I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

  • blow bubbles

    I just walked up to a girl while she was chewing gum. I asked her if she could blow bubbles. she siad, “Who’s Bubbles?”

  • worked

    Just been caught playing with myself…..

    Now everyone knows my cloning experiment worked!!

  • more now

    If I had a nickel for all the times I’m confused, I would be like, “Why do I have these nickels? What is going on? Why do I have more now?

  • healthy

    They say that eating Subway is healthy, so I always eat some after I leave McDonald’s.

  • doesn’t help

    Apparently studying 3D geometry with 3D glasses on doesn’t help.