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Jokes

  • sent from

    A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

    Sent from my iPhone 6

  • what day is it

    during a random drugs test i got asked “have you consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours?”
    as i look back on it now i realise “what day is it?” probably wasn’t the best answer.

  • exactly

    Me at work: “don’t talk to me until I have my coffee”
    Colleague: “but you don’t even drink coffee!”
    Me: “exactly”

  • who is this

    Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant. She is furious… Here she’s in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her.. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; “How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?” There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, “Did you hear me?” Finally she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”

  • Broke people shopping: “Wow!

    Broke people shopping:
    “Wow! This is the *sees price tag* ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen “

  • There is a town in Norway called Hell.

    There is a town in Norway called Hell.
    It freezes over almost every winter.

  • for mama

    Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
    “Don’t worry, Maria. Stephen’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”
    So up she went.When she got upstairs, Stephen took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Stephen’s got a big hairy chest.”
    “Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests.Go upstairs.He’ll take good care of you.” So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Stephen took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Stephen took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!” “Don’t worry.All good men have hairy legs. Stephen’s a good man.Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.” So up she went again. When she got up there, Stephen took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran down stairs. “Mama, Mama, Stephen’s got a foot and a half!” “Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother. “This is a job for Mama.”

  • argument

    I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

    They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

  • Saw a boat with a sign that read, “For Sale”, so I added the…

    Saw a boat with a sign that read, “For Sale”, so I added the missing “-ing”……..Idiots.

  • free trial

    High school is like a free trial on education and then once you’ve graduated they say, “Ok now if you want to continue, please pay $50,000.”