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Jokes

  • I try to let my wife run things at home.

    I try to let my wife run things at home.
    Like the dishwasher, hoover and lawnmower.

  • fault

    it’s my girlfriend’s fault I slept with all her friends…. she’s the one that told them I have a huge cock!!

  • without

    Valentine’s Day is just a massive hassle bruh. I need to:

    1. Remember to text my girlfriend a long lovey dovey message at the beginning of the day.
    2. Remember to buy her a card on my lunch break. 3. Buy her some more crap after work before I meet her. 4. Take her to a fancy restaurant and pay for a pointlessly expensive meal. 5. Take her back to her place and make love to her gently and passionate, even though all I want to do is fuck the shit out of her. And heres the kicker, I have to do all this then drive home without my wife finding out.

  • trick

    I can’t believe I actually tricked a woman into sleeping with me.

    All I had to do was buy her a ring and live with her for the rest of my life.

  • Concentrate

    Snooker table is the coolest table for men.
    It teaches them how to play with the balls and concentrate on many holes using a single stick!

  • They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.

    They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.

  • downside

    I was making a sandwich when I thought to myself,

    “So, there is a downside to divorce”.

  • coincidence

    This morning my wife woke me up with a nudge.

    “Oh God,” she said, “I’ve just had a horrible nightmare.”
    “Oh no,” I replied cuddling her, “I was just having the best dream, I wish you could have had it instead. What was your nightmare about?” “Ah, that’s sweet, I had this horrible vision that my mother was being burned alive. What was your dream about?” “What an unbelievable coincidence…” I replied.

  • etiquette

    how long after arriving at someone’s house is it appropriate to ask the wifi password

  • My apartment is full of Valentine’s Day cards.

    My apartment is full of Valentine’s Day cards.

    I’m not that popular, I’m just a really lazy mail man!