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Jokes

  • short cut

    I walked into a barbershop today.
    The guy said, “Can I help you sir?”
    I said, “I just need a short cut”, as I walked through the shop and out through the back door.

  • I walked in last night and my wife said, “Where have you been?”…

    I walked in last night and my wife said, “Where have you been?”
    I said, “Playing poker at Dave’s.”
    She said, “Ok, what have you lost this time?”
    I said, “I won actually.” “Oh,” she replied. “I bet his wife wasn’t too happy.” “She was furious,” I replied. “But she fucked me anyway.”

  • boxer

    This girl was chatting me up at the pub.

    “So, what do you do for a living?” she asked, batting her eyelids over her glass.”
    “I’m a boxer,” I said proudly. “Oh, lovely!” she winked. “I like sleeping with real men.” Funny how she could be so impressed that I work for Amazon.

  • nobody

    I danced like nobody was watching and now I need a lawyer.

  • so good

    Shouting, constantly rearranging stuff and sweeping.

    No wonder women are so good at curling!!

  • One of my biggest fears is that after I die I’ll get…

    One of my biggest fears is that after I die I’ll get reincarnated as myself.

  • remove

    My wife is one of those people that can spot the humour in any given situation.

    And quickly remove it.

  • replacement

    We should place the elderly in prisons because they will get a shower everyday, video surveillance in case of problems, three meals a day, access to a library, computers, TVs, gym, doctors on-site, and free medication if needed.

    Put criminals in nursing home and they will get cold meals, lights off at 7 p.m., two showers a week, live in a smaller room and pay rent at $4000 a month!
    It’s pretty sad that we treat prisoners better than the elderly.

  • prank

    My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for “Best way to clean cum off a keyboard?”

  • My wife said, ” Why do you never take me to the theatre?

    My wife said, ” Why do you never take me to the theatre? You know I love the theatre.”

    I said, “Why do you never take me to the strip club?”