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Jokes

  • autocorect

    A man received the following text from his neighbour:
    I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around.
    In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.
    The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant wifi not wife

  • honest

    According to my penis, there’s a 99% chance I like you.

  • what?

    When a women says “what?” Its not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you’ve said.

    WRONG, she’s challenging you to have some balls and repeat it.

  • how I met your mother

    The year is 2030. Ted Mosby is 52 years old, still sad and alone, while all his friends are married. He goes to a strip club, gets wasted, and ends up going home with one of the dancers, who happens to be a single mother. The morning after, as Ted prepares for the walk of shame, he walks out to find the woman’s two kids on the couch. They awkwardly ask how this random stranger in their house knows their mom. Ted, being his socially awkward self, tell these two children his entire life story, leading up to “HOW HE MET THEIR MOTHER.”

  • honest

    Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now?

  • new school

    I was transferred to a new school last week. I hated being the new guy so I had to make a name for myself. I had to look for the biggest, baddest muthafucker at the school and knock him the fuck out. So at lunch I scanned the cafeteria and there in the back was my target. The star quarterback and home coming king. I walk up to him and said: “THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT?!!” and before he could say anything, I swung and knock him out cold. He laid there drooling like a new born baby. The cafeteria was quiet. None of his friend came to his defense. From that day foward everyone knew not to mess with the school’s new principal!!

  • one minute

    I was in my car driving back from work last night.
    A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window.
    I said, “One minute, Im on the phone.”

  • cheating

    If you get a new job before you quit your old one, its considered responsible; however, if you do that with your girlfriend it’s considered “cheating”.

  • I’m ok with women faking it in bed.

    I’m ok with women faking it in bed.

    I faked everything to get her there.

  • revenge

    Women have the ability to keep smiling even when they’re planning revenge.