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Jokes

  • finally

    Leonardo DiCaprio:*names his child Oscar*

    Doctor:”Would you like to hold h-”
    Leonardo DiCaprio:”Say it like we rehearsed it.” Doctor:*sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

  • function

    ‘I love you’ is a mathematical function where ‘I love’ is constant and
    ‘you’ is a variable..

  • Is it bad that after spending an hour with my psychologist, she…

    Is it bad that after spending an hour with my psychologist, she has to spend two hours with hers?

  • ignoring

    Wife: What’s that beeping?”
    Me: “That’s my seat belt alarm.”
    Wife: “How can you ignore something so annoying?”
    Me: “Huh?”

  • The most popular song in Russia right now is Crimea River.

    The most popular song in Russia right now is Crimea River.

  • I said

    Me: “Would you like to dance?”
    Woman: “Hell no!”
    Me: “Im sorry you misheard me. What I said was, you look fat in those pants”.

  • goodbye

    The first program of an emo-programmer is “Goodbye world”..

     

    by bozhobg‎

  • Oscar

    What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar

  • moment

    A moment of silence for the beer that I forgot about in the freezer.

  • while

    Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything…

    …while simultaneously taking away your ability to do so.