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Jokes

  • happy end

    I watched a directors cut of a porn film last night.

    At the end of the film, he actually fixed the washing machine.

  • come inside

    My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for a few months now, so yesterday we went to an OBGYN’s office, to make sure we’re doing everything correctly. When we arrived at the clinic, they told us to go see Dr. Henderson in room 162. I knocked on the door and a woman opened it. I said, “Are you the lady who gives advice on how to get pregnant?”

    She said, “Yes, come inside…” and then shut the door in my face.

  • To do list: 1) Go to pet store. 2) Buy bird seed. 3) Ask how…

    To do list:
    1) Go to pet store.
    2) Buy bird seed.
    3) Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow.

  • easier

    Sometimes I think that divorce would be easier than putting together the furniture my wife bought at IKEA.

  • enough reach

    I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

  • never

    I’ll never forget the day I got married.

    I’ve tried everything: drugs, alcohol, even hypnosis.

  • mistake

    “Well, the woodpeckers were a mistake.” Said Noah, as the ark started to sink…

  • live longer

    A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

  • out of bed

    Remember when we had to get out of bed to get on the internet

  • old way

    A hacker attack briefly shut down Twitter on Thursday.
    Millions of twitterers were forced to talk to each other the old fashioned way.
    Through Facebook.