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probably
If one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
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religion
“Religion is here, so the poor don’t murder the rich”
Napoleon Bonaparte
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ME: Baby do I look fat withthis costume?
ME: Baby do I look fat withthis costume?
HIM: of course not hun, you’re the sexiest Orange ever!!
ME: I’m a carrot -.-
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it’s time
As I sat there, twirling my hair in my fingers, I thought…
I really need to shave my balls…
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‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’ Me: ‘May I speak with the…
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’ Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
”Who?”
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
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with what
Some bloke accused me of trying to pick pocket him today.
“You’re too slow for me” he laughed. “Now fuck off before I call the police”
I said “With what?”
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from my mistakes
I like to think I learn from my mistakes. Last night is a perfect example.
My kids showed me how to operate my new DVD player.
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turn on
When I undress in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.
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moment
Me: “This is a heart touching moment”
Her: “No, you have your hands on my boobs”
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remember
Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar? asked a suspicious wife.
No, I can’t, the husband said.
I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.
Jokes
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