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Jokes

  • strange

    A buddy of mine told me he found himself in a strange place after his divorce.

    He was standing in his kitchen.

  • texting

    I just saw a status posted by a female friend that said “I love my new car, I’m in heaven!” from a mobile device.

    It doesn’t say how she died but I’m guessing from texting while driving.

  • application

    There’s no problem that the proper application of alcohol can’t solve.

  • not a big deal

    I had a shit in 3 different shops today.That may not seem like a big deal.

    But only 1 of them had a toilet.

  • anywhere

    A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.
    Walking up behind her he says: “Hi there, good lookin’. How’s it going?”
    Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: “Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean… It just doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it.”
    Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: “No kidding. I’m a lawyer too. What firm are you with?”

  • watch out

    A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. Read More »watch out

  • Confront

    I see the U.S. will provide financial aid to Ukraine if the leaders confront corruption.

    Because if anything stops corruption, it’s bribing someone to stop corruption.

  • difference

    Playgrounds
    1991 – My dad’s tougher than your dad
    2014 – My mum’s tattoos are better than your mums.

  • Some people are claiming they have spotted the Loch Ness monster…

    Some people are claiming they have spotted the Loch Ness monster on Apple Maps. But it turned out it was just a car that drove into the lake because it was using Apple Maps.

  • fun fact

    Women will think you are lying,
    even when you’re not.