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Jokes

  • magical words

    wife : Tell me those three magical words..
    husband : it’s my fault.

  • to finish

    Wife says to husband, “You make love like you decorate.” Husband replies, “What very slow and professional?” “NO,”she replies, “I have to finish the job myself.”

  • When my girl tells me her friend’s a slut….

    When my girl tells me her friend’s a slut….
    I take it as a hint

  • mirror

    im at the age where food has taken over the role of sex in my life….as a matter of fact i put a mirror above my kitchen table last night!

  • pay for not going

    Gyms should offer a membership package where you pay for everyday you don’t go.

  • the perfect candidate

    A man was being interviewed for a post of a commando in Army!
    Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind , always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer instinct!!! So do you think you are eligible???

    Man: Sir…. Can my wife apply?

  • cockroaches

    In the event of a nuclear war the only things that will survive are the cockroaches. Which means we should still have a functioning government.

  • guardian

    I call myself a ‘Guardian of the Galaxy.’

    I’m a security guard at the Samsung store….

  • missing

    I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.
    *wife phones*
    Wife: What you doing?
    Husband: Missing you

  • only dust

    I decided to get rid of my vacuum cleaner today.

    It was just collecting dust.