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Jokes

  • shock

    My girlfriend just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian.
    It came as quite a shock……. I’ve only ever known her as Christine.

  • multiplayer

    Sex is like video games, single player is good

    But wait until you discover multiplayer.

  • distance

    I can’t take this long distance relationship anymore,

    I’m moving the fridge into my room.

  • potential

    I don’t have a smartphone. I have a phone that shows potential, but doesn’t apply itself.

  • No sex

    I came home from work last night and told my wife that I’ve been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
    “Well, you’d better hire someone who’s a bit old, fat and ugly,” she said, “I don’t want you choosing someone who you’re going to be tempted to have sex with.”
    “That’s fair enough,” I replied, “When can you start?”

  • Propose

    How men propose: “I love you more than life itself and I can’t see myself living without you. Will you make the happiest man in the world and MARRY ME?”
    How women propose: “I’m Pregnant.”

  • entertainment

    I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable.
    I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

  • for fun

    *At school*
    Teacher: Remember, the “f” in Physics stands for fun.
    Me: But sir, there is no “f” in Physics
    Teacher: Exactly.

  • worry

    My doctor said I needed to reduce stress.
    Great, now I have to worry about that too.

  • your dragon

    Going to How to Train Your Dragon tomorrow…
    Or marriage counselling as the wife calls it.