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Jokes

  • Mysterious

    When people ask me what my best qualities are, I always tell them my second best quality is being mysterious.

  • Backup

    Multiple personalities……because you never know when you’ll need backup.

  • Cloning

    I just caught my son playing with himself.
    Looks like my cloning experiment was a success…

  • Legal

    marijuana is only legal if you’re sick. so it’s ill-legal

  • Friends

    If I can’t buy you the perfect birthday present at the liquor store…
    We probably can’t be friends.

  • After watching my son play Grand Theft Auto V, he certainly…

    After watching my son play Grand Theft Auto V, he certainly won’t be driving my car anytime soon.

  • Water

    Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples.

    “Thirteen glasses of water, please,” Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others.

  • Use the..

    Luke Skywalker and I went for Chinese. After many failed attempts by Luke to use the chopsticks, I was like,
    Luke, USE THE FORKS!!

  • Reminder

    Just a reminder that mammogramming is more important than instagramming your boobs.
    Awareness month c:

  • yesterday

    I was telling a girl in the bar about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

    “Really?” she said. “Go on then… Try.”
    After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. “Come on,” she demanded, “What day was I born on?” “Yesterday?” I replied.