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Jokes

  • Dinners

    My psychologist: Mhmm. Been drinking heavier than usual?
    Me: Mmm. Uhh. No, not really. Just the occasional glass of wine with dinner.
    My psychologist: Uh huh. And how many dinners have you had today?

  • to be sure

    Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

  • Olympic

    girl- Harder! Deeper!! Faster!!!
    me- Wetter! Tighter!! Younger!!!

  • Who decided

    If her bra and panties match when you take off her clothes, it wasn’t you who decided to have sex.

  • Familiar

    If someone says “You look familiar,” just ask “Were we in prison together?” That will stop any further conversation…
    You’re welcome…

  • I told you

    Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
    Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
    Cop: step out of the car, sir.
    Me: see, I told ya.

  • Trick

    I can’t believe I actually tricked a woman into sleeping with me.

    All I had to do was buy her a ring and live with her for the rest of my life.

  • Difference

    What’s the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? 
    Jack Daniels is still killing Indians

  • Time machine

    I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast

  • If you ask Vanilla Ice’s mother about his childhood…..

    If you ask Vanilla Ice’s mother about his childhood…..

    She’ll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.