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Jokes

  • What social

    I love how we call it “social media” when 75% of us are either alone in our homes or on the toilet.

  • I was…

    Elementary School; “He told me to!”
    Middle School; “It was a dare!”
    High School; “I was drunk.”

  • Difference

    Husband’s in movies: “I know my dead wife would want me to move on & be happy.”

    My Husband: “I know my dead wife would come back to life & kill me if she knew I was happy.”

  • Jokes

    I don’t approve of political jokes.

    I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

  • Never included

    Mother battery: “all your friends are at the party across the street, why are you here?”
    Battery: “mum, we’re batteries, we’re never included”

  • Bites

    Ever notice that piece of the Apple logo that’s missing?

    It’s symbolic of how Apple bites off of other people’s ideas.

  • Good enough

    “Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man. “Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,”remarked his friend. “I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

  • Don’t want

    A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, “Give it to me straight doc!”
    The doctor replies, “That’s impossible, we’re both male.”
    They both laugh and the doctor says, “Besides, I don’t want Herpes.”

  • Surprise

    I remember that look on my girlfriend face as I got down on one knee & pulled out the ring…

    Then ran as I handed her the grenade.

  • Punishment

    Whenever I punish my 16 year old, I don’t take away her phone. I take away her charger and then watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. Its a blast.