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Jokes

  • Negotiate

    The kidnapper rang and said to me, “€10,000 and you get your wife back.”
    “Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman.
    “€20,000 and she’s all yours.” I said.

  • Breath away

    My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill

  • In line

    When standing in line, I only hate the people in front of me.
    The people behind me are cool.

  • My cross

    A husband coming home from a confession and lifts his wife and carries her on his shoulder. Wife: Did the priest tell you to be so romantic like this? Husband: No, he told me to carry my cross.

  • Just to hold

    My wife came in starving today so I made her a great big sandwich.
    “Don’t eat it just yet, just hold the plate” I said.
    Five minutes later I took it from her and threw it in the trash.
    “What the fuck?!” she snarled.
    “Remember this feeling,” I said. “Next time you come to bed all sexy, in a nightie, smelling gorgeous and ask me just to hold you.”

  • Person: You a athletic?

    Person: You a athletic?
    Me: I run
    Person: oh Sweet
    Me: *Whispers* a blog.

  • Recognition

    One sunny day, a priest and a rabbi are walking in the park. They pass a lake, and the priest says “It’s nice and sunny, why not go for a swim? We’re both men of God, so we shouldn’t be ashamed of our nudity.”
    The rabbi agrees, so they strip and dive in. After a while, they decide to get out again, but just as they stroll across the grass to their clothes, a group of school children passes by, including several ones from both the priest’s and the rabbi’s congregation. Quickly, the priest covers his genitals with his hands. The rabbi, however, covers his face.
    Out of the corner of his mouth, the priest mumbles “Why are you covering your face, brother?”
    The rabbi replies “Because the children in my community recognise my face, not my penis.”

  • Seenus

    Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said “I died of cancer.” The second man said, “I died of tuberculosis”. The third man said “I died of seenus”. The first two men said, “No, you mean sinus.” The third man said “No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he seen us!”

  • Step by step

    I said to my wife “I think we are ready for the next stage of our relationship.” she giggled and said “what are you on about silly? we are happily married with two kids, what can possibly be the next step?” I said “divorce!”

  • Letter

    Dear Santa,
    I don’t know if you can do this, but for christmas, I’d like for my mammy and daddy to get back together.Please see what you can do?”
    Love Teddy.

    Read More »Letter