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Jokes

  • Blah blah blah

    “So how did the interview
    go?” my wife asked me.
    “I’m not too sure to be
    honest, I said all the usual stuff like, I’m a hard working person, I get on well with others, I won’t let anyone down, blah blah blah, but then he sort of looked at me funny.” “How come?” she replied. “Because I said blah blah blah.”

  • Oral skills

    I remember back in High School, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was “Hitler’s oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement”.

  • “Do not fall in love with people like me.

    “Do not fall in love with people like me.
    I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth.
    I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.”

  • No replace

    When asked if online comics would replace actual comic books, Stan Lee said, “Comic books are like boobs. They look great on a computer, but I’d rather hold one in my hand.”

  • Explain

    It would be difficult to explain a fountain to someone from the 3rd world. “This is our water showing off contraption… we also throw our extra money in it”

  • Best joke

    The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked if he was going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014.

  • Finger

    Me: “Hey babe, I’m at the hospital, I cut off my finger.”
    Wife: “Oh no, the whole finger?” 
    Me:”No, no…the one next to it.” 

  • Direction

    I went in a CD store and asked the guy behind the counter if they had any Run DMC records.
    “Walk this way,” he replied.

  • Do you know the relationship between two eyes?

    They never see each other…BUT
    1. They blink together.
    2. They move together. 3. They cry together. 4. They see together. 5. They sleep together. They share a very deep bonded relationship. However, when they see a pretty woman, one will blink and another will not… Moral of the story: A pretty woman can break any relationship.

  • Difference

    “I’ve got a boyfriend,” is a woman’s’s way of saying fuck off and leave me alone.
    “I’ve got a girlfriend,” is a man’s way of proposing a threesome.