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Jokes

  • Still

    “Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it’s endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective”

    “You’re still late” replied my boss.

  • Who are you

    Dad: Son, you better pass that exam today or else forget me as your father!
    Son: Sure, whatever Dad.

    *5 Hours later* Dad: So, how’d you do on your exam? Son: Who the fuck are you?

  • Miss him

    Two newlywed go on their honeymoon. As things start to get hot and heavy, The woman says, “Please be careful with me I’m a virgin.” The puzzled man replies, “But you’ve been married 3 times before.” “Read More »Miss him

  • Help!

    Has anyone got a phone number for the Ghostbusters? I think I may have a poltergeist.
    I came in from work early and I heard my wife screaming, “Oh my God! Oh my God!”
    I quickly ran upstairs and she was covered head to foot in ectoplasm and the wardrobe doors wouldn’t stop trembling…

  • Withdrawing

    All Samsung officials are withdrawing their children from school, as the first thing children are being taught is: A is for Apple.

  • Hope so

    My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie:
    ‘Every exit is an entrance to a new experience’
    “Wow” she said, “are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
    I fucking hope so.

  • Christmas

    The only time of year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of a sock.

  • See you

    My wife said last night, “Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?”
    I replied, “Yes I know, I’m getting ready now”
    “That sounds like her car pulling up outside”
    “No, that’s my taxi, see you later”

  • Before her

    Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce.Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Read More »Before her

  • Correct

    A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex.
    The doctors replied: ‘All we did was correct his eyesight’