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Jokes

  • Jealous

    Her: I can’t believe you would talk to that other woman right in front of me like that! I saaaaaw the way you looked at her! I bet she’s an ex or something, isn’t she?! You’re probably still screwing her, aren’t you?! Tell me the TRUTH!

    Him: You know what? You’re right. From now on I will refrain from ever ordering any food, ever again, in any restaurant. WHAT… was I thinking?

  • Last minute

    I’ve just decided that my 2014 New Year’s resolution is not to leave things to the last minute.

  • Shut the…

    Two year old son spits water on floor.
    Wife: we don’t spit! If it’s in your mouth, you swallow it.
    Husband raises eyebrows.
    Wife: You shut the fuck up!

  • Boxer

    This girl was chatting me up at the pub.
    “So, what do you do for a living?” she asked, batting her eyelids over her glass.”
    “I’m a boxer,” I said proudly.
    “Oh, lovely!” she winked. “I like sleeping with real men.” Funny how she could be so impressed that I work for Amazon.

  • Glasses

    Son: Where are my sunglasses?
    Dad: I don’t know… where are my dadglasses?

  • Survival

    If your girl can’t cook and you cheat on her with a girl that can, then it’s not cheating…
    That’s called survival

  • Good..

    There are only 5 things we need in life:
    Good friends, Good job, Good food, Good sleep & Good _uck. Whatever you are thinking… Is right!

  • Italic

    The leaning tower of Pisa is in Italy. Therefore, it’s simply…Italicized.

  • My girlfriend has no interest in my personality, has no desire…

    My girlfriend has no interest in my personality, has no desire to ever get to know the ‘real’ me and her only goal in life is to use me as a means to have sex…
    I think I love her.

  • Guys get erections every morning, the concept of “morning”…

    Guys get erections every morning, the concept of “morning” varies depending on where you live, with the “morning line” basically spinning around the earth infinitely.
    So basically, the humanity has been doing a “boner wave” around the earth for hundreds of thousands of years.