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Jokes

  • One hand

    I’m typing this with one hand,
    “I wish you were here”

  • what is wrong with me

    I just read that the average person has sex at least three times a week.
    They must have a really well paid job. I can only afford it once a month.

  • Trick

    Females are so slick, they will lie on your chest and ask you, “Babe have you ever cheated on me?” then wait for your heart to beat faster.

  • A family was having guests to dinner.

    A family was having guests to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, “Dear, would you like to say the blessing?”
    “I just wouldn’t know what to say!!,” shyly replies the little girl.
    “Just say whatever you hear Mommy say, sweetie.”
    Her daughter takes a deep breath, bows her head, and solemnly says, “Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner?”

  • Not guilty

    Judge: State your name. Me: Not guilty. Judge: What?
    Me: I had it legally changed.
    Judge: You’re not guilty?
    *moonwalks out of the courtroom* *doesn’t break eye contact*

  • Conditions

    The pope is very ill, and nobody can cure him. The cardinals call in an old physician recommended to them. After an hour long examination, he comes up with a solution.
    “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: The pope has a rare testicular disorder. The good news: He can be cured…..with sex.”
    The cardinals, not happy with the cure, explain the situation to the pope.
    “I’ll agree to it,” says the pope. “But under four conditions.” The cardinals are shocked, “What are the four conditions?” asks one. “First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be dumb, so if she somehow figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one.” After a long pause, a cardinal asks, “And what’s the fourth condition?” “Big tits!”

  • Over acting

    A man died and went to heaven..God was surprised to see his heart was still beating.. God asked him, how come??The man replied ; I’m dead but my wife still lives in my heart.. The man was sent to Hell for over acting..

  • Men shouldn’t feel bad if they only last 8 minutes doing doggy…

    Men shouldn’t feel bad if they only last 8 minutes doing doggy style…
    I mean, that’s almost an hour in dog time.

  • Tweet

    Me: Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
    Doctor: I don’t follow you.

  • Happy end

    I finally shifted 140 lbs of ugly fat I gained over Christmas…..the mother in law went home this morning