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Jokes

  • A man walks into a library. “Yes we do,” says the librarian. “Do…

    A man walks into a library.

    “Yes we do,” says the librarian.

    “Do you have any books about mind reading?” asks the man.

  • Bad luck

    Just my luck — judging by the itching and the rash, I think I’m allergic to prostitutes…

  • Backup

    And then the God said:
    “Noah, make a backup. I’m going to format”

  • Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.

    Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.

  • Protection

    I’ve been hiding from exercise….I’m in the fitness protection program.

  • Never

    I don’t know how to act my age,
    because I have never been this old before!

  • Reverse

    I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and he said, “I want to try a little reverse psychology on you in this session.”

    I said, “That’s fine but I charge $200 an hour.”

  • Enough

    “Can I have a double Jack and coke please?” I slurred. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough, sir?” He replied.

    “What? Listen dickhead, I could out-drink anyone. ANYONE! Do you hear me? I’ve been drinking for three days and am going to continue drinking for the rest of the week. Nobody is going to tell me I’ve had enough. So, can I have a double Jack and coke please?”
    “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle.”

  • Happy to see

    You know how when you break up with someone, then see them & they’ve gained weight & it makes you so happy?
    I think that’s how the UK feels about the USA.

  • I’m taking the Highway to Hell because I am far too lazy to…

    I’m taking the Highway to Hell because I am far too lazy to climb the Stairway to Heaven.