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Jokes

  • No one knows what propaganda means anymore.

    It’s when a British person takes a really good look at something.

  • Why did Joseph Stalin always write in lower case letters?

    He hated capitalism.

  • C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, “Excuse me; I’ll just be a second.”Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight!”That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “You’re looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!” Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story:Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.

  • Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet.

    She didn’t succeed but she did leave a large visible crack.

  • My kids kept finding all the presents I hid around the house so someone suggested I keep them in the attic.

    Now they are crying up there and saying it’s too cold and dark.

  • Why’d the shy spy lose his job?

    He was too embarrassed about being debriefed.

  • So there’s this guy drinking at a bar, getting absolutely shit faced

    Near the end of the night, after he had a few too many, he pukes all over his shirt. He’s yells out “oh fuck, not again, my wife is going to kill me.”Hearing this, the bartender tells him to take a $20 bill out of his wallet, and put it in his shirt pocket, and when he gets home to tell his wife that someone else puked on him, and gave him $20 to have the shirt cleaned.Thinking this is a great idea, the man heads home to his wife.As he stumbles into the house, his wife asks what the hell happened. “Well you see, I was having a quiet night, when this guy puked all over me. But don’t worry, he gave me $20 to have it cleaned.” He then pulls the bill out of his shirt pocket and gives it to his wife.The wife looks at the bill and says “this isn’t a $20 bill it’s a $50 bill.”The man responds “oh right, he also shit my pants.”

  • A man runs into a store.

    He approaches the shopkeeper and exclaims, “Help! help! I’ve met a beautiful girl, but she’s trapped at the bottom of a well.”

    The shopkeeper reaches behind the counter and pulls out a long cord. “Here throw this down the well and use it to pull her up” he says.

    The man thanks him and runs out of the store with the cord. A few minutes later the man returns empty handed.

    “What happened?” Asks the shopkeeper, “did it work?”

    The man looks at him and says, “Well, I threw the cord in like you said, but she wouldn’t take it. I think I’m going to need a better pick up line.”

  • 4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip…

    As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan. He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room.

    “Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now”

    Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims:

    “Comrades! You must not say these things! Don’t you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!”

    The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible.

    “Really? Then how do you explain this?”

    He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds.

    “I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please.”

    And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar.

    The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep.

  • Sometimes I wish I was a tiger in the circus jumping through…

    Sometimes I wish I was a tiger in the circus jumping through flaming rings of fire, but instead of flaming rings, they were onion rings, and instead of jumping through them, I would be eating them.