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“And that’s why I became a pilot, to get over my fear.”
“Heights?”“No, dying alone.”
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Why can Einstein rank only 2nd among all physics?
Newton’s first law
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I asked my girlfriend if she would like to go out with her friends on Saturday to get a couple of pairs of new shoes, get your hair done in a different style, then go out for a couple of rounds of Chardonnay.
“That sounds great!”“Good, because we are breaking up.”-Jimmy Carr
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If you ever feel annoyed because your birthday’s on Christmas so you don’t get as many presents…
just imagine how Jesus must feel.
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You know that feeling when an old flame contacts you out of the blue to tell you that you’re a father?
Because it’s rapidly becoming apparent to me.
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Someone has their house be robbed in Russia
The house owner says “Damn you, this is MY property!” The robber responds “No. This is OUR property”.
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Why do you have to break up with your japanese gf twice?
Because you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
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What do you get when your cross an elephant with a rhino?
Hell if I know!
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Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted