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Jokes

  • A doctor and a lawyer love the same woman

    Everyday the doctor would give her a rose and she would thank himThen the lawyer would give her an apple everyday and she would say thank but I don’t understand why the apple and he said an apple a day keeps the doctor away

  • I went to a friend with whom i had recently fought.

    I told him zilch. He then snapped and said” this means nothing”.

  • Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

    It’s mostly orange ‘m’ peach.

  • (OC) what do you call a wall of teenage girls blocking a hallway?

    The Great Wall of vagina

  • Elephant Hunting

    My grandfather would tell me stories of how they caught elephants with only a few peanuts… They would dig a deep hole and burn a bunch of wood at the bottom. When the fire was out and there was nothing but ashes they would throw the peanuts in the ash. When the elephants got curious to look down at the peanuts they would sneak up behind the elephant and kick it right in the ashehole.

  • Noticed this glitch in the Aggressive heist option

    Even if you didn’t steal the boring machine, you can still enter by the sewers.Has anyone noticed this too?

  • I got a haircut last week but I didn’t really like it.

    It’s okay though, it’s growing on me.

  • The Magical Elevator

    A 12-year-old boy and his father were new to the Western World and entered a shopping mall for the first time.The boy was amazed by almost everything he saw, but especially by two silver doors that move apart and then slide back together again.The boy asked, “Dad. You’re an Engineer. What is this?”The Engineer (never having seen an elevator before, but too proud to admit it) responded, “Son, this is an elevator. I’m very familiar with the workings because I’m an Engineer.”While the boy watched with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened, and the lady walked between them into a small room.The proud Father started “See son, this will take her to the 2nd floor, then back down here to the 1st floor. I know this because I’m an Engineer.”The doors closed, and they watched as the numbers above the doors light up. From 1 to 2, then 2 to 1. Finally, the walls opened up again, and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.The Father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son: “Wholly Shit! Go get your Mother now.”

  • What did the popcorn get charged for?

    A-salt & Buttery.

  • Why did they call the painter who liked strangling sex, ‘the vegetable’

    Cos he was an artichoke.