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Jokes

  • What did the hungry Jewish family say when they saw breakfast?

    We have a latke to be thankful for.

  • [Serious] My mate went to Amsterdam for a week and did loads of acid and shrooms

    Now whenever we smoke weed with him he starts contradicting himself, Like he said “Goddamn, I wish we rolled another” then he went “Is anyone else fucking super high rn holy shit I can’t have any more” literally 5 seconds apart.He also said “TV shows and movies are 3D, and that when you watch them you peer into their universe and see an entirely new plane of existence that is represented by a 2d plane”And “Each decision that we make leads to fullfillment of entities demands that we don’t realize are there”.Honestly I’ve done LSD multiple times before and I kind of understand where he’s coming from but not really.Advice?

  • A blonde is standing on the shore of the lake.

    She looks across the lake and sees two blondes standing on the opposite shore.She yells across the lake to them … “How do I get to the other side?”They yell back…”You’re already on the other side.”

  • No matter how much you push the envelope

    It will always remain stationery.

  • When were the first hippies?

    Back in the stoned age

  • Purple lemon

    So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:“Hey, purple lemon, you suck!”And the boy doesn’t know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:“Well, you’ll just have to ask a teacher then, won’t you?”And so he goes and asks a teacher what a purple lemon is. “Go to the Headmaster!” She screeches.And he goes and asks the Head what a purple lemon is. “I’m sorry, but this is big, we’ll have to go to the police.” The Head replies sadly, calling 999.When the police arrive, the boy says: “But I just want to know what a purple lemon is!”And the police look at him, and take him back to their headquarters, where they call the army, and an army officer arrives. The boy, now in tears, asks; “But what’s a purple lemon?”The soldier looks to the policemen, shakes his head and takes the boy to go see a general.“I only asked about purple lemons.” The boy sobs.

  • Build a man a fire he’ll be warm for the rest of the night.

    Light a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

  • Why couldn’t the Grinch steal Christmas?

    Because of the Santa clause.

  • What did Bob Ross refer to his children as?

    Happy little accidents

  • Just finished the dishes and there are already more

    It a dishes cycle.