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Jokes

  • A panda walks into a bar.

    He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says. “For what?” The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.” The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.” The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda. Look it up.” She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary, and it reads, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

  • The first thing you have to learn before squatting at the gym…

    … is to set up a bar in Iraq.

  • I like my coffee like I like my women

    Without a penis.

  • Guy 1: what will I be doing next year?

    Guy 2: I dunno, I don’t have 2020 vision

  • I got banned form r/funny

    I posted a few submissions which I thought were really funny and wanted to share but I was banned because they were previously posted in the sub’s history. I didn’t realize this until after the submissions.

  • Why is the ground so hard?

    Because it’s a snow penis.-My cousins 8 year old son

  • I like my coffee how I like my women…

    Cold and bitter.

  • The Significance of Mole Locations

    Do you guys believe that there is a spiritual/magickal significance of certain mole or freckle locations? For example, I have a mole at the sole of my foot. Does that necessarily mean anything?

  • My wife asked me today if I was still talking my fiber supplements.

    I said I wasn’t being very regular about it.

  • A couple have just had a baby

    They go to the doctor to have the baby checked up.Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.Dad: what’s the good news please.Doctor: your son can park wherever he wants.