What do you call an Arab Sheriff?

A Sharif

Why are pigs so smooth?

They use oinkment!

I got a sweater for my birthday.

I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

An infomercial is actually a misinfomercial. It convinces you that you have problems that don’t exist and gives you a solution to your non-existent problems.
I hate people who take drugs

like policemen and customs officers.

What are your phone backgrounds?
My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he found out his school was organizing a show and tell about classical music ?

I’ll be Bach.

At the funeral

Man: Do you mind if I say a word?Widow: No, please do.Man: Clears throat and says: plethoraWidow: Thank you. That means alot.

You mess with the elf, you get killed yourself