Skip to content

Jokes

  • Don’t speak to the parrot

    The plumber was coming over to repair a pipe while the family where all at work. They had agreed where to leave the key, and the plumber was instructed to ignore the dog Killer and not to speak to the parrot Polly under any circumstances.The plumber locked himself inn, ignored Killer and got down to business. Immediately the parrot started swearing and mocking the plumber. After a while he got annoyed and shouted out to the parrot – Oh, shut up you stupid bird! From there the argument escalated fast and didn’t end before the plumber held up his biggest monkey wrench. – If you don’t quiet down now, you’ll get a taste of this. The parrot closed its beak for a moment, then stared screaming even louder – Killer, Killer, take him

  • A scientific study was conducted on ants…

    There was a scientific study conducted on various species of ants investigating the correlation between their heights and how their feet operate. Shorter ants were found to have little nubs on the end of their feet that operate similarly to toes on humans and primates. This was not seen in larger species, It was determined, you see, that they lack toes in taller ants.

  • A bunch of toilets walk into a bar,

    and then shit got wild

  • There are two types of people in this world

    Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

  • I once heard a terrible joke about Amazon

    It was ruined by the delivery

  • F**k off Bill

    A software engineer was waiting in the VIP lounge for his flight from JFK airport. He was supposed to meet his colleague for a coffee before he flew home, but the colleague was late. He spotted Bill Gates sitting alone at a table and walked over and said – Wow, I can’t believe it’s Bill Gates. Nice to meet you. Gates smiled and said hi. – Listen man would you do me a favour? I’m expecting my colleague to come any minute now. When he comes, would you walk over and just say – Hi there Robbin, how are you? Mr Gates thought it was an amusing prank and agreed to do it. The colleague finally arrived, and they sat down for coffee. After a few moments Bill Gates steps up, puts his hand on Robins shoulder and says – Hi there Robin, how are you? Robin turns around and says – Fuck off Bill, can’t you see I’m busy?

  • My bud Ellis, perhaps, made me piss myself. Perhaps. Perhaps…

    How do check if someone’s dead? Tickle the taint.

  • Why couldn’t the gay man date the line?

    Because it’s a line. You can’t date a line. 🙂

  • It’s bedtime and a mom is putting a son to sleep.

    Son: mama, there’s a kid under the bed.The mom bends down and looks under the bed.Son: mama, there’s a kid on top of the bed.Mom proceeds to beat up the son and his twin brother.

  • A Diabetic Pimp

    He’s pimping those hoes to keep his toes.-my brother