Finally my winter fat is gone.
Now I have spring rolls.



girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own



I remember as I left home for the first time, my mom said, “Don’t forget to write.”

And I thought to myself, “It’s a basic skill. I won’t forget.”




My boss just added Senior to my title and I’m not sure if it’s a promotion or a description.



I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she said, “No.”

I responded, “How about now?”


@Nutty squerel

Doctor: I’ve found a new drug that will help with your sleeping problem.
Patient: Great! How often do I have to take it?
Doctor: Every two hours.


Why I use subtitles



I got a letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Thank God I won’t be hearing from him anymore.



-“Dude, he just called you gay!”
-“Aw hell naw! Hold my dildo!”



I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in bed.

Looking at her lifeless body I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted, “Boo!”

Honestly some people are sick in the head!