I’ll never forget my Grandpa’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”



A father is washing the car with his son. After a moment the son asks his father: “do you think we could use a sponge instead?”



My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex. My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.



I picked up a hitchhiker and he was surprised.

He asked me, “Dude, why did you give me a lift? What if I was a serial killer?”

I laughed and replied, “The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical”



I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.



An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability.

Now I just need to figure out if that’s in Celcius or Fahrenheit



“Private browsing” is a remarkably acurate name.



They say “Those who don’t remember the past are doomed to repeat it.”
That’s why whenever I have sex, I immediately forget about it afterwards.



Somebody recently told me that all women are liars, but I know that’s not true, cause a woman told me.



My coworker saw me with a suitcase and said, “Where are you going?” And I said, “Colombia.” And she was like, “Bring me some tequila!” And I was like, “I’m going to bring you a map.”