0

@Marvin

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

0

@MO

I remember as I left home for the first time, my mom said, “Don’t forget to write.”

And I thought to myself, “It’s a basic skill. I won’t forget.”

📧✉📧

0

@Jeep

My boss just added Senior to my title and I’m not sure if it’s a promotion or a description.

0

@madazzahatter

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she said, “No.”

I responded, “How about now?”

0

@Nutty squerel

Doctor: I’ve found a new drug that will help with your sleeping problem.
Patient: Great! How often do I have to take it?
Doctor: Every two hours.

0

Why I use subtitles

0

@NUTTY

I got a letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Thank God I won’t be hearing from him anymore.

0

@Trikkery

-“Dude, he just called you gay!”
-“Aw hell naw! Hold my dildo!”

0

@Andykop69

I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in bed.

Looking at her lifeless body I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted, “Boo!”

Honestly some people are sick in the head!

0

@chocolat_ice_cream

Let’s celebrate the International Women’s Day. A world without women…. would be a pain in the ass.