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@88%asian

Did you know?

Vegans live 15 years longer because they aren’t invited anywhere fun or dangerous. Instead they stay at home, crying and drinking, being very careful not to get any tears in their drink. Because tears are the product of animal suffering.

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@the joker

HOW TO WRITE GOOD
1. Avoid Alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. They’re old hat. 4. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 5. Be more or less specific. 6. Writes should never generalize. Seven: Be consistent. 8. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous. 9. Who needs rhetorical questions? 10. Exaggeration is a billion times worst than an understatement.

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@controversy

True story:
My cousin (He’s 29) got yelled at by his girlfriend for coming home at 2 AM drunk as hell… The way he got caught? While he was trying to quietly sneak up to their bedroom he was loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme song…

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@the

I got rejected when I applied to be a Physcologist today.
Apparently listening to peoples problems on facebook is not experience.

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@NB

I hate when I drink milk straight from the carton and my wife gives me that look.
Relax, no one in this grocery store is even looking.

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@aptain

If you trim your Christmas tree enough…

It’ll make your presents look a lot bigger.

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@wicked

There’s a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don’t join.
But enough about the church..

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@Beel doll

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. 

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@T-Type

Things I hated as a child- spankings and naps.

Things I love as an adult- spankings and naps.

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@husbandface

Friday is my anniversary, I’ll have been married for 35 years. Really it only 5 years, but I count in dog years because my wife is such a bitch.