girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own



I remember as I left home for the first time, my mom said, “Don’t forget to write.”

And I thought to myself, “It’s a basic skill. I won’t forget.”




My boss just added Senior to my title and I’m not sure if it’s a promotion or a description.



I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she said, “No.”

I responded, “How about now?”


@Nutty squerel

Doctor: I’ve found a new drug that will help with your sleeping problem.
Patient: Great! How often do I have to take it?
Doctor: Every two hours.


Why I use subtitles



I got a letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Thank God I won’t be hearing from him anymore.



-“Dude, he just called you gay!”
-“Aw hell naw! Hold my dildo!”



I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in bed.

Looking at her lifeless body I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted, “Boo!”

Honestly some people are sick in the head!



Let’s celebrate the International Women’s Day. A world without women…. would be a pain in the ass.