0

@Eden Noelle

I never thought I’d be the type of person to get up early in the morning to exercise

And I was right.

0

@the power of grey skull

Fingerprints are proof that God doesn’t trust us

0

Neither me

Cop: Sir, are you drunk?
Me: No, occifer.
Cop: Step out of the car and say the alphabet backwards, please.
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: I’m impressed, I couldn’t do that sober. Me: Me neither.

0

@Chillout

I asked God for a girlfriend by winter.

He canceled winter.

0

@layra

Her: What do you want for
Christmas?
Me: Let me win an
argument

0

@Nancy

Why is Santa Claus always a man?
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

0

@drunqueen

How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?

0

@aic

I lost a fight with my wife today and I wasn’t even THERE

0

@Eden Noelle

[first day as a masseuse] Me: *closing book* and they all lived happily ever after.
Customer: That’s not what I meant by “happy ending.”

0

@Samantha

Wife: Don’t you have manners? I am speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute
Husband: I am not yawning… I’m trying to say something.