A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked. “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?

All the DNA matches and there’s no dental records.

A Mexican Magician…

…told his audience he’d disappear on the count of three.He began counting “Uno, dos…”And he disappeared without a tres.

Commas can really change the meaning in a sentence.

For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a coma

Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.

A Roman walks into a bar, Holds up 2 fingers, and says

“5 beers please”

A man dies and he’s able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.

And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, “nah.. I’m going to stay in hell” and when he goes back down with the devil it’s all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says “what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?” and the devil responds….”well, that’s the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant”

my bad

see full image

So today the military came to my door, guess what i did

Iran

What is an easy thing to do to improve the world we all live in?