Looking for Christmas jokes that work as well at the dinner table as they do inside a cracker? You are in the right place. We have hand-picked the 60 funniest festive gags from TheFun.Net’s Holiday Jokes category: Santa puns, reindeer one-liners, present disasters, family chaos and a few New Year’s resolutions you will definitely break. Nearly all of them are clean enough for Grandma. When the kids demand more groans, hand them our dad jokes.
Jump to: Santa Claus Jokes and Santa Puns · Reindeer, Snowman and Gingerbread Christmas Jokes · Funny Christmas Jokes About Presents · Family Christmas Jokes and Christmas One-Liners · Christmas Dinner and Party Jokes · New Year’s Resolution Jokes and New Year One-Liners
Santa Claus Jokes and Santa Puns
1. Why did Santa buy three gardens? So he could ho, ho, ho.
2. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
3. If only God can judge us, then Santa has some explaining to do.
4. What does Santa love most about Mrs Claus? The jingle physics.
5. Why wasn’t Santa too upset when his sleigh crashed into a Boeing 747 mid-flight? It only cost him a couple of bucks.
6. Please stop asking Santa for the perfect man for Christmas. Three times this week he has tried to kidnap me.
7. If one of Santa’s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an elfie?
8. For Christmas I asked my brother to swap names and lifestyles with me for a week. Little did he know I was way up on Santa’s naughty list.
9. I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense like Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well, now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish any more, thank God.
10. One day four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration he dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door and yanked it open. There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?” And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Reindeer, Snowman and Gingerbread Christmas Jokes
11. A Viking called Rudolph the Red looked out of his window and said to his wife, “Bring the little ones inside, it looks like it’s going to be a wet day.” His wife asked, “Why do you say that?” He looked at her and said, “Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
12. What’s red and smells? Rudolph’s nose.
13. What did one snowman say to the other while snacking? This carrot tastes like bogeys.
14. Why was the snowman smiling? He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
15. What does Frosty the Snowman have that Mrs Frosty doesn’t? Snowballs.
16. Why did the Grinch go to the off-licence? To find some Christmas spirit.
17. How did the gingerbread man end up with one leg? He lost the other in Nom.
18. What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech and the Grinch? The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally.
Funny Christmas Jokes About Presents
19. What’s the best present for Christmas? Artery. Because it comes from the heart.
20. Because of all the commercialism and materialism, I’ve decided I’m not going to celebrate Christmas any more. So feel free to buy me a present any time of the year you want.
21. I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
22. I gave my daughter a watch for Christmas. She thought it was so cool, and when she showed it to the next-door neighbour, he asked, “That’s a pretty watch you’ve got there! Does it tell you the time?” She laughed and said, “No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!”
23. Have you seen that Peloton advert where the wife is thrilled to get an exercise bike for Christmas? Also, does anybody have a sofa I could crash on for a few days?
24. Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
25. If you ever feel annoyed because your birthday’s on Christmas Day and you don’t get as many presents, just imagine how Jesus must feel.
26. Banks need to be better at restocking their cash machines at Christmas. This is the fifth one I’ve been to that said “insufficient funds”.
27. I’m so broke this year, you can call me Saint Nickel-less.
28. My wife has just been diagnosed with an iron deficiency, so I’ve bought her a new one for Christmas.
Family Christmas Jokes and Christmas One-Liners
29. Last year I brought my boyfriend home to meet my family for Christmas. My husband was furious!
30. I was buying a Christmas tree from a lady and she asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?” I replied, “No, I was thinking of putting it up in the living room, actually.”
31. Today I was cleaning the garage and found our old Christmas lights. The label said “for indoor and outdoor use only”. I’m still wondering how anyone could possibly break this rule.
32. Good news for insomniacs: only ten more sleeps till Christmas.
33. I’m absolutely disgusted! Easter is almost over and I can’t find any Christmas cards on sale yet.
34. Christmas: the only time of year when you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat sweets out of a sock.
35. Three friends die in a car crash on the way home from dinner. At the gates of Heaven, St Peter says he will let them in if they have something related to Christmas on them. The first one pulls out a cigarette lighter: “It looks like a little Christmas candle.” St Peter reluctantly lets him pass. The second pulls out his keys: “When you jingle them, they sound like a bell.” He too gets a reluctant pass. The third pulls out a pair of knickers. “What does that have to do with Christmas?” asks St Peter. “Well, you see, these are Carol’s.”
36. I just watched A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. What he’s doing round my house, I don’t know.
37. Some friends went carol singing dressed as Star Wars characters. They were LARPing all the way.
38. Why did dyslexic Karen go to the Christmas nativity? To see the manger.
39. I checked my weather app to see if we’d get snow for Christmas this year. I guess it’s still up in the air.
40. It’s Christmas time and Jesus arrives at his parents’ house. “Hello, Mother, I have arrived,” he says. Mary replies, “It wouldn’t be Christmas without you.”
41. I still remember the day my mum and dad told me Santa wasn’t real. I was heartbroken. I jumped in my car and went straight to the pub.
Christmas Dinner and Party Jokes
42. What animal is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey. It’s always stuffed!
43. I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mum promised to make me eggs Benedict. So I’m going home for the hollandaise.
44. What’s the difference between a Christmas wish and a ramp in a pigsty? One is for figgy pudding and the other is for piggy footing.
45. People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me. Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
46. I finally shifted the 140 lbs of ugly fat I gained over Christmas. The mother-in-law went home this morning.
47. I went out for a few drinks with my mates at lunchtime on Christmas Eve and didn’t get back until this afternoon. When I got home, my wife was screaming something about her Christmas being totally ruined. Well, it can’t have been me who ruined it. I wasn’t even there.
New Year’s Resolution Jokes and New Year One-Liners
48. Six years ago I made a New Year’s resolution, and I have never broken it: “No more New Year’s resolutions.”
49. I’ve just decided that my New Year’s resolution is not to leave things to the last minute.
50. My New Year’s resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills and learn a new language. I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow.
51. My New Year’s resolution is to be less condescending. And by the way, condescending means talking down to people.
52. My New Year’s resolution for 2023 is to accomplish the goals of 2022, which I should have done in 2021 because I promised them in 2020 and planned them in 2019.
53. My New Year’s resolution is to have better eyesight. I’m aiming for 2020 vision.
54. Since it’s New Year, I can finally say I haven’t showered in a year! Actually, it’s probably been about a year and a half.
55. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby New Year!
56. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas! Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy New Year!
57. Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they got into a fight, and 2021!
58. Happy New Year, everyone! I know I’m early, but I suffer from premature congratulation.
59. People treat New Year like some sort of life-changing event. If your life was rubbish last year, it’s probably still going to be rubbish tomorrow.
60. On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and announced that at the stroke of midnight she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. It was a bit embarrassing: as the clock struck twelve, the bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the best Christmas jokes for kids?
Short question and answer puns work best with children, because the punchline arrives before they lose interest. Try the Santa jokes about the elfie and the three gardens, the snowman and carrot jokes, or the turkey that is never hungry because it is always stuffed. Most of the reindeer and Grinch jokes in this collection are also easy for younger kids to follow.
Are these Christmas jokes clean enough for a family dinner?
Yes, almost all of them. We left out anything explicit, rude or mean-spirited, so the collection is safe for a family table. A few jokes carry a gentle wink for the grown-ups, such as Frosty’s snowballs or the story about Carol, so skim the list first if you plan to read it aloud to very young children.
What is a good short Christmas joke for a cracker?
Cracker jokes should be one line and a groan. Good picks from this page include: What’s red and smells? Rudolph’s nose. Or: How did the gingerbread man end up with one leg? He lost the other in Nom. Print a few out and swap them for the shop-bought ones.
Do you have New Year jokes too?
Yes. The last section of this page is all about New Year’s Eve and New Year’s resolutions, from the resolution not to leave things to the last minute to the man aiming for 2020 vision. TheFun.Net has been collecting jokes since 2008 and new jokes are added every week, so check back before the next countdown.
Where to Find More
Still in a festive mood? Browse every seasonal gag in our Holiday Jokes category, keep the groans coming with our dad jokes, share the husband and wife jokes with the in-laws, pick a quick laugh from the 50 best one-liners, or settle in with our big collection of 300 short jokes and one-liners.