They say laughter is the best medicine, so consider this page your repeat prescription. We have hand-picked 64 medical jokes from TheFun.Net’s doctor jokes category, covering everything from awkward check-ups and baffling diagnoses to nurses, surgeons, dentists and therapists who have heard it all before. No waiting room, no appointment needed, and no side effects apart from the occasional groan. If you still need a dose after that, our computer jokes are a fine second opinion.
Jump to: At the Doctor’s · Diagnosis Jokes · Nurses and Hospitals · Surgeons and Dentists · Psychiatrists and Therapists · Pills and Puns
Doctor Jokes: Classic Visits to the Doctor
1. A ham goes to the doctor.
Ham: Doc, tell me, am I going to be all right?
Doctor: You’re cured.
2. My doctor said I need to reduce stress. Great, now I have to worry about that too.
3. My doctor said jogging could add years to my life. I didn’t believe him at first, but I went yesterday and I already feel ten years older.
4. My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him that next time he shouldn’t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
5. Me: Doctor, you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.
6. I saw my doctor last week and he asked me how much cannabis I smoke. I said, “Why is that your first question?” He said, “It wasn’t.”
7. My IQ dropped from 70 to 42 and I was worried. I checked again and it was 110. I checked once more and it was 150, so I rushed to the doctor. She told me it was my pulse, not my IQ.
8. What does a vegan say to his doctor? “I’m in pain from my head tomatoes.”
9. Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: Depends what you mean by “active”. There are plenty of active volcanoes that haven’t gone off in over 50 years.
10. My doctor told me today that I’m sterile. I can’t wait to get home and tell my girlfriend I want to try for a baby.
11. A doctor and a lawyer were in love with the same woman. Every day the doctor gave her a rose and every day the lawyer gave her an apple. Eventually she asked the lawyer, “Thank you, but why always an apple?” He said, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
12. A doctor and an engineer walk into a sweet shop. While they browse, the doctor slips three chocolate bars into his pocket. Outside he boasts, “I’m the best thief ever. Three bars and nobody saw me. You can’t beat that.”
The engineer says, “Want to see something better? Come back in and I’ll show you real stealing.”
At the counter he asks the shop assistant, “Would you like to see some magic?”
“Yes!”
“Give me a chocolate bar.” He eats it. He asks for a second and eats that, then a third.
“But where’s the magic?” asks the assistant.
“Check my friend’s pocket.”
13. A Canadian visiting America is held up at gunpoint. “Give me all your money and I’ll let you live.”
The Canadian replies cheerfully, “Oh! You must be what they call a doctor.”
14. Patient: Doctor, I have an obsessive thought. I feel like everyone around me is trying to rip me off.
Doctor: Relax, my friend, you’re perfectly healthy. It’s not just a feeling. That’ll be 150 dollars.
15. “Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual.”
16. A pig with insomnia goes to the doctor.
Pig: Doctor, I keep having terrible nightmares and I can’t sleep. Can you prescribe me some sleeping pills?
Doctor: Describe the nightmares to me.
Pig: They’re always the same. A man lures me with food, then he cuts me into pieces and rubs salt all over me, muttering the same scary words over and over: “Bacon, mmm. Bacon, mmm.” Please help me!
Doctor: Don’t worry, no need for pills. It looks like you’ll be cured soon.
Diagnosis Jokes and Bad News From the Doctor
17. Doctor: Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.
Dad: AND?
18. Doctor: You have a serious disease.
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: …that you can cure by eating more healthily and exercising.
Me: OH NO!
19. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow for an MRI to find out if I’m claustrophobic.
20. Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhoea is inherited. It runs in the family.
21. At medical school they told us never to tell someone they have cancer right before they board a plane. Nobody likes a terminal diagnosis.
22. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
23. My blood test came back positive. I definitely have blood.
24. The doctor told me I only had two years left to live. So I killed him, and the judge gave me 40.
25. Bob had a terrible motorbike accident and his legs were in a bad way. After a couple of weeks it was clear to the doctor that the inevitable could not be put off, but Bob was so frail that the doctor asked Bob’s wife of 40 years to break the news gently.
“Darling,” said Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news. Which would you like first?”
“What do I care?” grumbled Bob. “Just give me the bad news.”
“Well, dear,” said Eva, holding his hand, “I hate to tell you this, but it looks like your legs will have to come off.”
Bob croaked, “Eva, what’s the good news?”
“The good news,” said Eva happily, “is that the gardener who was in here earlier might be interested in buying your slippers!”
26. My memory foam pillow is so old it’s been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
27. Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday and ill on all the other days? Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.
28. Teacher: Why were you absent yesterday? Were you ill?
Me: Yes, I had clinomania.
Teacher: Oh, okay. Excused.
(Clinomania: an excessive desire to stay in bed.)
29. What did the man with colon cancer say on Wheel of Fortune? “I’d like to buy a bowel.”
30. I can only count up to seven in French. I have a huit allergy.
31. You won’t get ill from eating twelve eggs. A dozen-egg-cyst doesn’t exist.
Nurse and Hospital Jokes
32. My husband asked me to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfil his fantasy… that we have health insurance.
33. Me: This escape room is rubbish.
Nurse: Sir, this is a psychiatric ward.
34. A man was hit by a car and stopped breathing. Witnesses called an ambulance, but they feared he wouldn’t make it. A passer-by rushed into the road and gave him CPR, and by the time the paramedics arrived the man was breathing again.
“You saved this man’s life,” they said. “Are you a doctor?”
“No, I’m a gravedigger,” he replied. “And I really hate working on Saturdays.”
35. An electrician fell into a coma after touching a power line. “He should be fine,” said the doctors. “He’s just taking a power nap.”
36. I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday. My kleptomania is really getting out of hand.
37. An old man lies on his deathbed. The doctors have given him only a couple of days and he can barely stand. As he drifts off to sleep, perhaps for the last time, a familiar smell pulls him back. Summoning every ounce of strength, he gets up, grabs his walking frame and shuffles towards the kitchen, where he finds a tray of freshly baked biscuits, the kind his wife hasn’t made in over a decade. Just as he reaches for one, a hand smacks his away.
His wife glares at him: “Those are for the funeral!”
38. Doctor: At first glance it appears you have a gunshot wound to the chest, but we’ll have to run a Covid test to be sure.
39. My friend died because we couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept telling us to be positive, but it’s hard without him.
40. I danced like nobody was watching. Somebody was, and they called an ambulance because they thought I was having a seizure.
Surgeon and Dentist Jokes
41. “The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” The surgeon was fired later that day.
42. The doctor told me I needed a brain transplant. I didn’t want one, but he changed my mind.
43. Before my operation, the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
44. Plastic surgery finally gives people the chance to show on the outside how they feel on the inside: fake.
45. Dentist: This is going to hurt a bit. Ready?
Me, shutting my eyes and dreading it: Yes, ready.
Dentist: That’ll be $700, please.
46. A man asks a dentist how much it costs to take out wisdom teeth.
“Eighty pounds,” says the dentist.
“That’s ridiculous. Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
“Well, without an anaesthetic I could do it for sixty.”
“Still too expensive.”
“If I skip the anaesthetic and just yank them out with pliers, twenty.”
“Still too much.”
The dentist scratches his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you ten.”
“Marvellous,” says the man. “Book my wife in for next Tuesday!”
Psychiatrist and Therapist Jokes
47. Fred: Why are you so upset?
Harry: My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.
Fred: So what?
Harry: She said, “Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I’ve been telling you about.”
48. My psychiatrist said, “I’d like to try a little reverse psychology on you this session.” I said, “That’s fine, but I charge $200 an hour.”
49. If you don’t know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist… congratulations, you’re doing great!
50. Two psychiatrists out for a walk come across a man lying in the street, bleeding from a stab wound. One says to the other, “Whoever did this really needs our help.”
51. Is it bad that after an hour with me, my psychologist has to spend two hours with hers?
52. Patient: I just feel like I can’t connect with anyone. I’m always the third wheel, or forgotten. Nobody has any time for me.
Therapist: I wonder what makes you feel that way. Unfortunately I have too many patients at the moment, so I can’t see you.
53. My therapist says I have a problem trusting people. Or at least she claims she’s my therapist.
54. I told my therapist I feel like I’m living in a sitcom. Then about 30 people laughed.
55. A moth walks into a physiotherapist’s office and says, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Doc. I feel down all the time and I don’t know where my life is heading.”
The physio says, “Why have you come to me? I’m a physiotherapist. You need a psychiatrist.”
The moth replies, “Your light was on.”
Medical Puns, Pills and Pharmacy Jokes
56. They say laughter is the best medicine. Judging by how many people laugh at me, I’m going to live for ever.
57. Yesterday I was diagnosed as a kleptomaniac. I’m taking something for it three times a day.
58. Cannabis is only legal if you’re ill. So it’s ill-legal.
59. I just found out Dr Pepper was a real doctor. Apparently he was a fizzician.
60. Where do sick ducks go? To a quack doctor.
61. A doctor I know fell into a well, but he deserved it. He should have tended to the sick and left the well alone.
62. If Watson isn’t the most famous doctor… then Who is?
63. I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineers. You don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors, or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
64. The medical profession has weighed in on the new national health insurance proposals. The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists advised against any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, while the neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians felt everyone was labouring under a misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. The pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” and the paediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!” The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it. The surgeons were fed up with the cuts and washed their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t swallow it and wouldn’t hear of it, the pharmacologists found it a bitter pill, and the plastic surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Are these medical jokes clean enough to share at work?
Yes. Every joke on this page was chosen to be clean, with no swearing and nothing explicit. A couple lean on gentle innuendo or dark humour, the kind most people happily share in a staff room, but nothing here should get you sent to HR. They work well in a hospital break room, a surgery newsletter or a get-well-soon card.
What is a good medical joke to tell a doctor or nurse?
Medical staff have heard the classics, so pick something they will appreciate professionally. The ether/oar anaesthetist pun and the medical profession weighing in on health insurance always go down well, and the nurse dressing up to fulfil a fantasy of having health insurance gets knowing laughs from anyone who has dealt with the paperwork side of healthcare.
Which doctor jokes work best in a get-well-soon card?
Short ones that do not dwell on illness work best. Try the doctor who said jogging would add years to your life, the ham that went to the doctor and was cured, or laughter being the best medicine. Avoid the darker diagnosis jokes in a card for someone who is genuinely unwell; save those for when they are back on their feet.
Where do these jokes come from?
They were hand-picked from the doctor jokes category on TheFun.Net, which has been collecting jokes since 2008. We read through the whole category, skipped anything crude or offensive, merged near-duplicates and tidied the wording. New jokes are added every week, so the category itself is the place to look for fresh material.
Where to Find More
Still not feeling better? Browse every joke in our doctor jokes category, then try the office jokes, the husband and wife jokes or the dad jokes collection. And if you only have a minute between appointments, our 300 short jokes and one-liners are quick to swallow.