My kid, who’s into astronomy asked me how stars die
“Usually from suicide or overdose, son” i told him
thefun
Relationships are like revolving doors
You just have to find the right time to sneak in and out
I told a communism joke
Nobody laughed, they said it didn’t work.
This Christmas, remember to do your shopping at Vile.Amazon.com
That way, a certain percentage of your spending goes towards the Republican Party.
Anyone else still have their SS not pull your info yet?
Should I be concerned? I’ve already sent my SS their gift, and got a thank you from them. Mine still hasn’t pulled my info yet.
A guy tried to sell me a fake Picasso, but I didn’t buy it.
I used my artistic lie-sense.
A horse goes into a bar
“Hey horse, why the long face?””I’m not a horse, I’m Adrien Brody”
How do you fart in another language?
You eat foreign food.
How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to actually do the job, one to try and help, one to fuck shit up, and one to record the full thing.Btw, I’m… Read More »How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Blonde Phone Call to Mom
Hi Mom, it’s me. “Hi Sally, are you okay? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill.””Yeah,… Read More »A Blonde Phone Call to Mom
How much does a doctor that performs circumcisions make?
Nothing, he just keeps the tips.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from all the reposts on this sub…
WIFE: I’ve thought about it, and I’ve decided I’m just not a kid person.
ME: Hey… [taking her hand] the word you’re looking for is “adult.”
I had a mild case of insanity.
The doctors said I should stop playing INSAN-D.
What happened to the arrogant red-shirt who demanded his Star Fleet Captain beam him up?
He was hoisted by his own Piccard.
Can I get the Minty Code if I buy something from Gamestop online?
I was wondering if I could still get the Minty Pickaxe code if I buy something from the Gamestop website. I want to buy $10… Read More »Can I get the Minty Code if I buy something from Gamestop online?
I recently put poison ivy in the bed of a guy that I don’t like.
It was a rash decision on my part.
What’s the difference between my real dad and recycled saran wrap?
One’s the transparent piece of garbage and the other’s a garbage, trans-parent.
Louder!
A redneck is walking on the beach. He comes across two beautiful college girls.The redneck says, “Hey, where y’all from?”The two girls reply, “Yale.”The redneck… Read More »Louder!
Why are french ducks so attractive?
They have a certain “je ne sais quack’”.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian
OK. I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
My friend was itchin for a pie
So I told him to make one from scratch.
My cat at one of my awards.. and can’t quite poop it out
It’s a real cat-ass-trophy
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
If I only had a week to live, I’d spend every day of it at work.
There, even just eight hours last fucking forever.
My dog pooped in my bed this morning
I forgive her though, shit happens.
honey
Husband embraced wife from behind, said : “I love you, honey.”The wife gigled and said : “What are you, Winnie the Pooh?”The husband shocked and… Read More »honey
Why did the waiter’s computer system not work?
Because of a server error.