Animals never try to be funny, which is exactly why they are so good at it. Here are 68 funny animal jokes, hand-picked from the Animal Jokes category at TheFun.Net and tidied up so you can share them with anyone, from your kids to your vet. You will find loyal dogs, cats with attitude, a panda who eats, shoots and leaves, parrots with secrets and an elephant with a very long memory. If puns make you groan and grin at the same time, our dad jokes collection is waiting next door.
Jump to: Dogs · Cats · Farm Animals · Birds · Wild Animals and Zoo · Animal Puns
Dog Jokes Every Dog Lover Will Get
1. Why are dogs related to trees? Because they both have bark.
2. I was in my psychology class yesterday and we were learning about Pavlov and laughing about how stupid those dogs were. Anyway, then the bell rang and we all went for lunch.
3. What did Lady Macbeth say to her dog? “Out, damned Spot! Out, I say!”
4. No, I don’t want to come to your cat’s birthday party, you freak. My dog’s getting married that weekend.
5. I was in a room full of people and the dog walked straight up and sat right next to me! Sadly, I was at the airport and it was a drug dog.
6. My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Cat Jokes for People Who Are Owned by a Cat
7. The internet is full of cats because dog lovers actually go outside.
8. I named my cat “Honey” so that when I get home I can shout, “Honey, I’m home!” Then I cry for 20 minutes because my life is one pathetic joke.
9. Today I found out the name of my neighbour’s cat. In other news, I now have free Wi-Fi.
10. My girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and got a cat.
11. It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack it.
12. My Persian cat made a Persian Gulf on my Persian rug.
13. What do you call a disabled cat that does DIY? A handicat.
14. I hate the musical Cats, so I’m loving the reviews of the film. Seeing it panned is just meowsic to my ears.
15. My wife made us late and we missed the trailers before the new Cats film. I hate it when she makes me miss the best part of a movie.
16. How is it that whenever I run over a cat, it’s always on its ninth life?
17. Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s lovely voice from the kitchen: “What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?” I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.” She replied, “You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat.”
Farm Animal Jokes: Cows, Horses, Goats and Hens
18. A lamb, a calf and a kid are standing in the pasture. The lamb says, “My dad is the best! He can grow a full coat of wool from scratch every year!” The calf boasts, “That’s nothing! My dad fought in the bullfights in Spain and beat three matadors!” The kid, looking unimpressed, says, “That’s nothing. My dad… is the GOAT!”
19. What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants? That it’s impossible to lose weight by eating green grass and salad and walking everywhere.
20. My four-year-old nephew just told me this one.
Him: “Knock knock.”
Me: “Who’s there?”
Him: “Cows go.”
Me: “Cows go who?”
Him: “No, silly, cows go moo!”
21. What do you call someone who takes care of chickens? A chicken tender.
22. A hen lays a shockingly huge egg and the news reporters come to interview her. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two-pound egg, that’s unheard of! Do you have any goals for the future?” “Yes, I’m really aiming for a four-pounder!” says the hen proudly. “And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters say to the rooster. “What are your goals for the future?” The rooster replies darkly, “To beat up that ostrich!”
23. A city slicker goes out to the country for a horse ride. He has no experience, so he asks for a well-trained horse and is given these instructions: to make the horse walk, say “phew”; to make it run, say “yeah”; to make it stop, say “stop”. Easy enough. He says “phew” and off they go. Feeling confident, he calls out “yeah” and the horse starts to run. Enjoying himself, he yells “yeah” several more times. With the horse racing along, he realises he is approaching a cliff. In a panic he forgets the command and shouts “whoa”, but to no avail. Finally he calls to the heavens, “Please make this horse stop!” The horse stops right on the edge of the cliff. Relieved, the man wipes his brow and says, “Phew.”
24. The year is 1835 and you’re travelling the Oregon Trail. You and your horse come across a man who tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him Terry is a woman’s name. He shoots you on the spot. You have died of Dissin’ Terry.
25. Farmer 1: “What kind of person would make a path through my wheat field?”
Farmer 2: “I’m guessing a scythopath.”
26. People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelette without beating a few dead horses.
Bird Jokes: Ducks, Parrots, Owls and Chickens
27. A crow flies up to a woman in the street.
Crow: “Miss, would you donate to my charity?”
Woman: “Why should I?”
Crow: “CAW CAW CAW CAW!”
Woman: “What does that even mean?”
Crow: “It’s four good caws.”
28. Do you know why one side of a flying flock of geese’s V is longer than the other? Because one side is longer than the other.
29. “Pizza Hut, can I take your order?”
Me: “May I speak with the owl, please?”
“Who?”
Me: “Ha ha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni, please.”
30. To-do list: 1) Go to the pet shop. 2) Buy bird seed. 3) Ask how long it takes for the birds to grow.
31. My four-year-old cousin wanted me to share this one.
Him: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “To get to the idiot’s house.”
(A few hours later)
Him: “Knock knock!”
Me: “Who’s there?”
Him: “The chicken.”
32. Probably history’s most elaborate cruelty: wiping out the dinosaurs, replacing them with humans, and then letting humans humiliate them by turning their once terrifying shape into chicken nuggets.
33. A kindergarten teacher handed out a colouring page with a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. She told the class to colour the duck yellow and the umbrella green, but Paul, the class rebel, coloured the duck a bright fire-engine red. The teacher asked him, “Paul, how many times have you seen a red duck?” Paul replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”
34. A plumber was coming to fix a pipe while the family were all at work. They left him a key and told him to ignore the dog, Killer, and under no circumstances to speak to the parrot, Polly. The plumber let himself in, ignored Killer and got down to business. Immediately the parrot started swearing and mocking him. After a while he got annoyed and shouted, “Oh, shut up, you stupid bird!” The argument escalated until the plumber held up his biggest monkey wrench: “If you don’t quiet down now, you’ll get a taste of this.” The parrot closed its beak for a moment, then started screaming even louder: “Killer! Killer! Get him!”
35. A burglar broke into a house one night. He was shining his torch around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, switched off the torch and froze. When he heard nothing more, he carried on. Just as he pulled out the stereo, he heard it again: “Jesus is watching you.” Frantically shining his torch around, he finally spotted a parrot in the corner. “Did you say that?” he hissed. “Yep,” the parrot squawked. “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? And who are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?” “The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
36. Three men die in a car crash and arrive at the gates of heaven. St Peter says, “You can all come in, but whatever you do, don’t step on a duck.” The gates open and there are ducks everywhere. The first man accidentally steps on a duck, and St Peter handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in the world: “Now you must stay handcuffed together for all eternity.” The second man goes months without stepping on a duck, then one morning he gets out of bed and treads on two. St Peter handcuffs him to the most foul-smelling woman imaginable. The third man goes years without stepping on a single duck. Then one day St Peter handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. “Wow,” says the man, “what have I done to deserve this?” The woman replies, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”
Wild Animal and Zoo Jokes: Elephants, Bears, Pandas and Friends
37. Why did the polar bear cross the road? Because of global warming.
38. Sometimes I wish I was a tiger in the circus jumping through flaming rings, except instead of flaming rings they would be onion rings, and instead of jumping through them I would be eating them.
39. I had a fairytale childhood. My grandma was eaten by a wolf.
40. Dinosaurs have been dead for millions of years, yet they still get parts in films. It hardly seems fair.
41. Tears stream down Brutus’s face as he realises what he has done. He feels the rodent under his hat tug his hair, and like a puppet he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words: “Rat tu, touille?”
42. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Hell if I know!
43. What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.
44. What did Mario say when he saw the alpaca? “Don’t-a worry, it’s a false-a llama!”
45. It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong, and an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
46. Grown-up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
47. A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating, he shoots the waiter and leaves. The police are called and the officer says, “I guess the waiter never looked up the definition of a panda.” The owner looks it up and reads: “Panda: an animal that eats, shoots and leaves.”
48. Two from my eight-year-old sister: Why does Tigger smell? Because he’s been playing with Pooh. Which is the hairy side of a monkey? The outside.
49. I’ve just seen a massive rat in Pizza Hut. He was picking up an order for the Ninja Turtles.
50. I went into a bookshop and asked the blonde assistant for a book about turtles. She said, “Hardback?” I replied, “Yes, with four legs and little heads.”
51. I went to a pet shop today and put a large “CHAMELEON” sign in front of an empty cage. Stand back and watch the fun.
52. It would be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the shopping centre and see the look on security’s faces when they pull off the mask.
53. A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a week.” The man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back. “If you kiss me, I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!” Again he smiled and put it back. “Okay, okay! Kiss me and I’ll stay with you forever and do anything you want!” He chuckled and put it back in his pocket. Finally the frog asked, “What’s the matter? I’m a beautiful princess and I’ll do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The young man said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
54. The FBI, the CIA and the KGB hold a contest to see who is best at catching a target: each must go into a forest and capture a rabbit. The FBI goes in, places undercover operatives in the animal kingdom, questions all the tree witnesses and even interrogates the rocks. After three months they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The CIA goes in next. Within a week there is an uprising of freedom fighters, which escalates until the forest burns down. They present the body of a rabbit and say it resisted. Finally the KGB goes into the next forest. By the afternoon they come out dragging a battered bear, who instantly confesses: “I am rabbit. My mother and father were rabbits.”
55. At a hunting lodge, two new members are told that the old man asleep by the fire can tell them hunting stories they’ll never forget. They wake him up and he begins: “Back in ’44 we went on a lion hunt in Africa. We hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day I was so tired that I laid my gun down, propped my head on a fallen tree and fell asleep. I was woken by a noise in the bushes, and as I reached for my gun, the biggest lion I ever saw jumped out at me like this: ROOOAAARRRR! Well… I just soiled my trousers.” One of the young men says, “I don’t blame you, I would have soiled mine too if a lion jumped out at me.” The old man shakes his head: “No, no, not then. Just now, when I said ROOOAAARRRR!”
56. In 1986, Peter was on holiday in Kenya when he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. He carefully inspected the foot, found a large piece of wood embedded in it and gently worked it out with his knife. The elephant stared at him for several tense moments, trumpeted loudly and walked away. Peter never forgot that day. Twenty years later he was at the zoo with his teenage son when a large bull elephant walked over, stared at Peter, lifted its front foot and put it down several times, trumpeting loudly. Sure it was the same elephant, Peter climbed over the railing and walked right up to it. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around Peter’s leg and slammed him against the railing. Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
Animal Puns: Fish, Bees, Ants and Other Creepy Crawlies
57. Where do bees go to the toilet? The BP station!
58. What do you call a bee born in the United States? A USB.
59. I remember once at school we had a spelling bee. We also had an ant that could tap dance.
60. Scientists studied how the feet of different ant species work. Shorter ants were found to have little nubs on their feet that work much like human toes. These were not found in the larger species. The conclusion? They lack toes in taller ants.
61. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm.
62. My teacher told me that flies are attracted to bright things. So I looked at the rubbish bin and started wondering what kind of life he’s been living.
63. Why weren’t the 11 ants allowed into the ant hill? Because the ant hill was for ten ants only.
64. I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don’t care how big the spider is, nobody steals my shoe!
65. A blonde takes her goldfish to the vet. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.” The blonde says, “Well, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
66. A fisherman and his wife noticed that whenever they stood on the balcony, their son looked towards the ocean and their daughter looked away from it. So they named the boy Towards and the girl Away. Years later the fisherman took Towards and Away on their first fishing trip, and a week later he came back alone. “What happened to our children?” cried his wife. “It was awful,” he sobbed. “Three days in, a huge fish swallowed Towards whole. We caught it and cut it open, but it was too late. At least the fish fed us for the rest of the trip.” “That must have been one big fish,” said his wife. “You think that was big?” said the fisherman. “You should have seen the one that got Away!”
67. Out on a lake, a man is lighting sticks of dynamite and tossing them into the water. After each explosion he scoops the dead fish into his boat. The game warden races out, sirens blaring: “What on earth do you think you’re doing? This is illegal! Where did you get that dynamite? Is that boat registered? Do you even have a licence?” The man cuts him off by handing him a lit stick of dynamite and says, “Look, do you want to argue, or do you want to fish?”
68. A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself. Or, to put it another way, sometimes scientists get bored.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the best funny animal jokes for kids?
Short puns work best with children because the punchline is quick and easy to repeat. Try the knock-knock joke where the cows go moo, the farmer’s scythopath, the crow with four good caws or the eleven ants who could not get into the ant hill. The bird seed shopping list is also a safe bet. Most jokes in our dog, farm and animal puns sections are perfect for a lunchbox note or a car journey.
Are these animal jokes clean?
Yes. Every joke on this page was hand-picked to be family friendly, with no swearing and nothing explicit. A few lean towards dark humour, such as the elephant with a long memory or the girlfriend with two dead dogs, so read those first if you are sharing with younger children. Everything else is safe for school, the office or a family dinner.
What is a good dog joke to tell dog lovers?
Dog owners tend to love jokes that poke fun at their pets’ habits. The Pavlov joke is a hit with anyone who remembers school science, while the claim that the internet is full of cats because dog lovers actually go outside always starts a friendly argument. For a quick laugh, the drug dog that walks straight up to you at the airport rarely fails.
Why are animal puns so popular?
Animal names are short, familiar and sound like ordinary words, which makes them perfect for wordplay: caws and cause, ten ants and tenants, lack toes and lactose. Everybody knows the animals, so nobody needs the joke explained. That is why animal puns are among the first jokes children learn and the last ones grandparents forget.
Where to Find More
Still hungry for laughs? Browse every post in our Animal Jokes category, where new jokes are added every week. For more themed collections, try our dad jokes, the office jokes for anyone who works like a dog, and our walks into a bar jokes. If you prefer your humour quick, our collection of 300 short jokes and one-liners has something for every mood. TheFun.Net has been collecting jokes since 2008.