Work would be perfect if it were not for the meetings, the emails, the Mondays and, of course, the boss. Until someone fixes all that, here are 86 office jokes, hand-picked from the Work Jokes category at TheFun.Net, with a few money jokes thrown in for payday. They are clean enough for the team chat and true enough to hurt a little. If your job involves computers that never quite work, our computer jokes will feel very familiar.
Jump to: The Boss · Office Life · Mondays · Job Interviews · Coworkers · Fired and Quitting · Payday and Money
Boss Jokes: Life With the Person in Charge
1. Boss: “You’re doing great! Keep doing what you’re doing.”
Me: “I wish I knew what I was doing.”
2. The boss is yelling at the new employee: “What, do you think I’m an idiot?”
“I don’t know, I’m still new here.”
3. Boss: “Could I see you in my office?”
Me: “No, probably not. There are walls between our offices.”
And that’s why I’m here, Mr HR Manager.
4. Every time I go into my boss’s office, she tells me to “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
5. “Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe. It serves no real purpose. It’s endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective.”
“You’re still late,” replied my boss.
6. My boss just yelled at me in front of everyone for eating chips at work. “John, you’re a croupier!”
7. My boss asked me to work through my lunch break today. I shouted, “You useless idiot! I come in at 7.30 and don’t get thanks for it, I work till 6 at night and don’t get thanks for it, while lazy people like you leave at 2 to play golf all afternoon!” Then I emailed him back and said, “Sure, boss, no problem.”
8. I called my boss to tell him I wasn’t coming in this morning because my car wouldn’t start. He asked, “What about the bus?” I replied, “I don’t have a bus.”
9. My boss is coming to my granddad’s funeral tomorrow. He said that after the last three funerals, he personally wants to see the old man go in the ground this time.
10. Everyone made a huge fuss when the Pope resigned. To be honest, I don’t blame him. I’d leave my job too if my boss never showed up.
11. A man called his wife and said, “Honey, my boss has asked me to go fishing in Canada with him and some friends for a week. It’s a great chance to get that promotion, so please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod and fishing box, and don’t forget my new blue silk pyjamas.” The wife did exactly as he asked. The following weekend he came home looking tired but well. She asked if he had caught many fish. “Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill and a few swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked?” The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box.”
12. The nice thing about working for yourself is that you only have to work half days. And the best part is, you get to choose which 12 hours.
13. What do you call an engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator? A project manager.
14. Biology textbooks will no longer say “parasites”. The politically correct term is now “effective bio-managers”.
Meetings, Coffee and Other Office Jokes
15. Sometimes I spend entire meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
16. A father tucks his little daughter into bed and listens to her prayers: “God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.” The next morning, Grandpa dies. A few months later she prays, “God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma,” and the next day Grandma dies. A few weeks later she prays, “God bless Mummy, and goodbye Daddy.” The father is terrified. He doesn’t sleep, then spends the whole day hiding at the office until midnight. Nothing happens. Relieved, he gets home and tells his wife, “I’ve had the worst day of my life.” She says, “You think your day was bad? My boss dropped dead in the middle of a meeting!”
17. Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.
18. These are scary times to call in sick at work. They might put you and everybody else in quarantine.
19. Boss: “You have to take a drugs test.”
Me, who knows all the drugs: “No problem.”
20. Me at work: “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.”
Colleague: “But you don’t even drink coffee!”
Me: “Exactly.”
21. My wife says I talk in my sleep. I’m sceptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
22. I finally told the hot woman at work how I really felt. She said she felt the same way. So she turned the air conditioning up higher.
23. I’m about to start work, but first let me take my stapler apart and name and polish every piece.
24. “Excuse me, sir, we have a dress code here.”
“I work in IT.”
“Oh. Carry on.”
Jokes About Work, Mondays and the Daily Grind
25. It’s Sunday today, and if you listen really carefully you can hear Monday sharpening its claws.
26. I start every Monday morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
27. I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday, but Friday is so close to Monday.
28. If you’re happy and you know it, you’ve probably forgotten that tomorrow is Monday.
29. I must admit, I really miss being at work and moaning about not wanting to be at work.
30. I washed a load of pyjamas so I’d have clean work clothes this week.
31. Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk? I hope so, because that’s the only excuse I have for being drunk at work.
Job Interview Jokes: Where Do You See Yourself in Five Years?
32. A man in glasses is nailing his job interview. The interviewer asks, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” He says, “Still here, having received several promotions, and well on my way to senior management.” The interviewer writes this down and asks, “And where do you see yourself in two weeks?” The man is taken aback. “Two weeks? That’s an unusual question.” “We like our employees to focus on both long-term and short-term goals,” says the interviewer. The man shakes his head, points to his glasses and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have 2020 vision.”
33. I had an important job interview today.
“Are you on Facebook?” they asked.
“Sorry, no, I’m not.”
“Twitter?”
“Nope.”
“Instagram?”
“Nah.”
“Look, will you just put your phone away!”
34. Interviewer: “So, how do you explain this four-year gap on your CV?”
Candidate: “That’s when I went to Yale.”
Interviewer: “Oh, impressive! You’re hired!”
Candidate: “Thanks! I really needed this yob.”
35. I get really annoyed when complete strangers ask me lots of personal questions. So no, the job interview didn’t go very well.
36. “So how did the interview go?” my wife asked.
“I’m not sure, to be honest. I said all the usual stuff: I’m a hard worker, I get on well with others, I won’t let anyone down, blah blah blah. But then he looked at me funny.”
“How come?”
“Because I said blah blah blah.”
37. The interviewer asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I replied, “Do you see fortune teller anywhere on my CV? No, you don’t!” Nailed that interview, I think.
38. “Forget everything you learned at university. You won’t need it working here.”
“But I never went to university.”
“Well then, I’m sorry. You’re underqualified to work here.”
39. I went to a job interview today. The interviewer’s wall was covered in pictures of himself holding up dead alligators, racing posters and a photo of him in a Confederate flag shirt. I left after a minute. Too many red flags.
40. A girlfriend is like a job. It’s much easier to get one when you already have one.
Coworker Jokes and Funny Jobs
41. My coworkers treat me like a god. Whenever something goes wrong, they crucify me.
42. What did Jesus do after school? He went to his job.
43. Dear Heart, please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that’s it.
44. If you work as a security guard in a Samsung shop, does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
45. A taxi driver asked me, “Aren’t you going to give me a tip?” I replied, “Of course. Don’t work too late into the night.”
46. A woman at my checkout didn’t have enough money to pay for her toilet paper, so I paid the 96 pence for her. “Thank you,” she said. “I’m going to think of you every time I use this.”
47. I walked into a bookshop and asked an assistant, “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?” “Of course, sir. Which one?” “William.”
48. A fast food worker gets home early from his night shift. His wife asks, “Why are you home so early?” He replies, “I put my fingers in the potato peeler and they sent me home.” Confused, she asks, “And the potato peeler?” “She got fired too.”
49. A man with window cleaning gear knocks at the door. An elderly lady opens. “Did you order a window cleaner?” “Yes, come on in!” A few minutes later, a man with window cleaning gear knocks at the door again. “Good morning, young man. Have you come to clean my windows? That’s very kind, but your colleague is already here.” “No, that’s me. I fell out of the window.”
50. I started my new job as a bingo caller last night, and halfway through calling the numbers I broke wind loudly. My boss came over and whispered, “Don’t do that again.” “Sorry,” I said, “it must be the nerves.” “Fair enough,” he said, “but there was no need to hold the microphone behind you.”
51. I got a job at McDonald’s recently and spent the whole day handing out fake engagement rings with the couples’ meals. Best Valentine’s Day ever.
52. I met a baker who burns his bread on purpose, then sells the ashes in clay vases. I didn’t think he’d make much money from that, but I guess he found a way to urn some dough.
53. Why did the shy spy lose his job? He was too embarrassed about being debriefed.
54. Back when there was a lot of panic about mobile phone radiation, the residents of a block of flats got very upset about a new phone mast on their roof. They petitioned the council and brought hospital papers: “This thing is making us sick! Headaches, skin problems, one man even got cancer!” Finally they marched to the phone company’s office, where the only person around was the on-call engineer. They yelled at him about the headaches and the rest. He scratched his belly and said, “Awful, truly awful. Imagine what will happen when we turn it on.”
55. A dead man is brought to the mortuary wearing an expensive black suit. His widow insists he always looked best in blue and gives the mortician a blank cheque: “I don’t care what it costs, please put him in a blue suit.” The next day she finds her husband in a gorgeous, perfectly fitting blue suit. “Whatever this cost, I’m very grateful,” she says. The mortician hands back the blank cheque. “There’s no charge, ma’am. Shortly after you left, a gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in wearing a blue suit, and his wife said she didn’t mind him being buried in black. So I just switched the heads.”
56. Two government officials are on a diplomatic tour. At a grand dinner, official X notices official Y slipping one of the silver forks into his jacket. After dinner, each delegation is asked to perform something from their country’s traditions. X stands up and says, “I will perform a traditional magic trick. I will make this fork disappear into my jacket and reappear in my colleague’s jacket.” He puts a fork in his jacket and holds out his hand towards Y. Y smiles nervously, takes the fork out of his own jacket and puts it on the table. The crowd is amazed. Later, the other officials tell Y, “Your colleague’s act was incredible!” Y replies sourly, “Yes, he never even gave me the chance to get out of here before he took one himself.”
57. I drove my secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at the office party. Nothing happened, but I decided not to mention it to my wife, who is the jealous type. Later that night, as my wife and I were driving home, I spotted a single high-heeled shoe under her seat. When she wasn’t looking, I quietly tossed it out of the window. When we got home, my wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”
58. I had the WORST customer service at a shop yesterday. I bought something, paid cash, took it home and found it didn’t work. Less than 48 hours later I took it back with the receipt and asked for a refund. The girl at the till said no. I asked for a replacement. Again, no. I asked for the manager and explained everything, and he just smiled and told me I was “out of luck”. No refund. No replacement. I’ll tell you what, I am NEVER buying another lottery ticket from that shop again!
Getting Fired and Quitting: Jokes About Leaving Work
59. I got fired today. My boss said my communication skills were awful. I didn’t know what to say to that.
60. I got fired from work today and I don’t know why. I didn’t even do anything.
61. It turns out that a monkey cannot, in fact, do my job. Long story short, he got us both fired.
62. Did you hear about the blonde who got fired from the M and M factory? She kept throwing away all the Ws.
63. I quit my job at McDonald’s today. My boss was a clown.
64. There are rumours that I’m leaving the company because I was fired for smashing the windscreen of my boss’s Honda. The truth is, I’m leaving of my own Accord.
65. If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible. If you do the same with your girlfriend, it’s considered cheating.
66. Why can’t I work? Because I have a vision problem. I just don’t see myself working.
67. If I ever won the lottery, I would still go back to work. Just to tell everyone exactly what I think of them.
Payday and Money Jokes for the End of the Month
68. The economy is so bad that McDonald’s staff are now asking customers, “Can you afford fries with that?”
69. I was arrested today over a slight misunderstanding at work. Apparently taking your work home is classed as theft when you work in a bank.
70. They say money talks. Mine just waves goodbye.
71. To those who say love is more important than money: have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?
72. If money can’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.
73. I don’t want to be a millionaire. I just want enough money to stare off into the distance while filling up the car.
74. I have good taste. I just don’t have the money to prove it.
75. A burglar broke into my house looking for money, so I got up and searched with him.
76. A man walks into a bank and asks for an interest-free current account. “Who cares?” sighs the cashier.
77. A robber points a gun at the bank cashier.
Robber: “Put all the money in the bag or you’re geography!”
Cashier: “Don’t you mean history?”
Robber: “Don’t change the subject!”
78. “Give me your money or I’ll put you in jail!” Signed, the tax office.
79. If I had a pound for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme, two of my friends would have a pound, two of their friends would each have two pounds, and the guy above me would have loads.
80. I wonder if the saying “You’ll find love when you’re not looking for it” applies to money too. Because let me be very clear: I am NOT looking for a million pounds!
81. Her: “They’re charging a pound to pump up your tyres now.”
Me: “That’s inflation for you.”
82. If someone doesn’t call back after two or three calls, chances are they’re just not that into you. I wish debt collectors would understand that.
83. A young boy asks God, “Is it true that a billion years is just a second to you?” “Yes.” “And is a billion pounds just a penny to you?” “Yes.” “Then can I have a penny?” God replies, “Sure. Just give me a second.”
84. Every time someone over 40 complains about my generation, I wish I could earn a pound. That way I could buy a house in the economy they created.
85. A father meets his future son-in-law. “I see you’re between jobs. How will you provide for my daughter?” “Don’t worry, God will provide.” “And when you have children, how will you support them?” “God will provide.” “Do you have any savings? Any plan in life?” “God will provide.” Later, the mother asks how it went. The father says, “The bad news is he has no money and no plans. The good news is he thinks I’m God.”
86. For the last 20 years I’ve worked every single day, getting up at five and grafting until six, struggling to pay for fuel, the mortgage and food. Today I was offered free heating, free accommodation and free cooked meals, and I wouldn’t even have to work for it. “I’ll take it!” I shouted to the judge.
Frequently Asked Questions
Are these office jokes safe to share at work?
Yes. Every joke here was hand-picked to be clean, with no swearing and nothing explicit, so they are fine for the team chat, a newsletter or the kitchen noticeboard. A couple of them tease bosses and HR, so use your judgement about who reads them, but none of them should land you in a disciplinary meeting. Probably.
What is a good joke to start a work meeting or presentation?
Pick something short that everyone in the room recognises. Wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door works in any office, and “Keep doing what you are doing / I wish I knew what I was doing” gets a knowing laugh from almost everyone. Avoid long stories when time is tight, and never tell a fired joke during a restructure.
What is a funny joke for a leaving card or farewell speech?
Leaving cards suit puns about quitting. The colleague leaving of his own Accord, the man fired for awful communication skills who did not know what to say, and the McDonald’s worker whose boss was a clown are all good choices. For a speech, the monkey who could not do the job either makes a gentle, affectionate closing line.
Where can I find more jokes about work?
Our Work Jokes category holds every work-related joke on the site, and TheFun.Net has been collecting jokes since 2008, with new ones added every week. If your office runs on technology, the computer jokes collection is a natural next stop, and the short jokes page is ideal when you need a one-liner in a hurry between two meetings.
Where to Find More
Need more material for the next team meeting? Browse every post in our Work Jokes category, where new jokes are added every week. For more themed collections, try our computer jokes for the IT department, the walks into a bar jokes for after work on Friday, and our funny animal jokes for anyone who works like a dog. And when you only have a coffee break, our 300 short jokes and one-liners are quick to read and easy to retell.